Thursday, December 20, 2012

Good morning crew,

You know what tomorrow is? That's right...it's the first day of Winter. That is the Winter Solstice. That means tomorrow tonight will be the longest night of the year. Tomorrow is also supposed to be the Mayan apocalypse. I'm not sure what form the doomsday is supposed to take. Maybe an asteroid will hit the Earth or the Spice Girls will get back together. Either way I hope you're prepared.

At the beginning of the year I made a personal commitment to stockpile essential supplies like scotch, clean underwear and steak sauce, not that I really believe the end of the world will happen but, you know, when is it a bad idea to have a little extra scotch and clean underwear? But I failed miserably in those plans. So if the world does end tomorrow I am pretty much out of luck. I'll have to face it sober, and if I did look out the window and saw the world coming to an end any undies I was wearing wouldn't be clean for long. So why worry about it?

Good luck to all of us and I'll talk to you all next week!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Are you on Facebook? If you are, check out the Deal of the Day fan page. You get exclusive offers and a new deal every day. It is easy to become a fan, just click here and hit the like button... 'Like' Deal of the Day Here

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"This week, police in Ohio had to break up a fight between two neighbors with the last names Hall and Oates. But don't worry. It was quickly broken up by officers Simon and Garfunkel." -Jimmy Fallon

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"A thief broke into a house in Alaska and found $100,000 but only took $20,000. Police are searching for a man with simple dreams." -Conan O'Brien

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"There are parts of California that are as spectacular as anywhere in the country. Especially the part of California known as 'not L.A.'" -Craig Ferguson

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"Camping Tips"

Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?

A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.

Q. Where should I go camping?

A. The United States has a spectacular national park system with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the Winnebagos.

Q. How much food should I take?

A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family, but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.

Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the raccoons.

Q. What if I get lost?

A. If you don't have a compass, stand very still and listen very carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."