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Friday, August 5, 2016

Good morning crew,

The bosses have decided to redecorate our offices. I'm writing this yesterday (from your perspective) because today there is a crew of people dismantling all of our desks, tearing up and replacing the carpeting, and installing all new cubicles.

The carpet is understandable because it is about ten years old and it looks like an office full of slobs has been spilling coffee and jelly donuts and bean dip all over it for ten years.

But they are replacing the desks with smaller cubicles because they are planning to add some people in the near future and they need more seating.

I don't know what kind of people they are planning to add. Hopefully no more copy writers. There's only room for one literary genius in this office, and that position is already filled.

Maybe they're planning to hire me an assistant. Or better yet, a personal masseuse (or massage therapist if you want to be a little more professional about it).

Or even better, a personal assistant who's also a massage therapist. I think I'm worth it.

Laugh it up,


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"In a survey of 35 cities, Los Angeles ranked second-to-last in intelligence. Residents of L.A. were outraged after the report was slowly explained to them." -Conan O'Brien


"A skydiver in California just became the first person to jump out of a plane from 25,000 feet without a parachute and land in a net. Or as Southwest Airlines calls that, 'Business Class.'" -Jimmy Fallon


"Trump tweeted a photograph last night showing him feasting on Kentucky Fried Chicken with a knife and fork. I don't know who's advising him. Who eats KFC with a knife and fork? I don't even need a plate. The reason it comes in a bucket is you don't need anything. All you need is a face to eat KFC." -Jimmy Kimmel



"Everything Comes In Threes" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"You Learn Something New Every Day" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"You Get What You Pay For" - Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"

To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

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