Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Good morning crew,

Maybe it's part of my latent obsessive-compulsive personality, but whenever I make plans to travel I always feel the need to get all of my little, personal maintenance issues taken care of first.

For example...I'm going out of town at the end of this week, and in preparation I went to the dentist, I went to the eye doctor, I paid all of my bills ahead of time and I even gave blood...just in case of what I'm not sure, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I guess I figure that if I'm going to die horribly in a fiery crash I want my eyes to be healthy and my teeth to look good.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. We have a *NEW* archive page! You can read newsletters from Clean Laffs to Bizarre News and dozens of titles in between. Years worth of issues! Just check out the link at the right of the page!

***
"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old." -Craig Ferguson

***
"The Journal of Animal Ethics says that it's insulting to call animals 'pets,' and they should be called 'animal companions.' They say 'pet' is the most insulting thing you could call an animal, except in North Korea, where they're called 'dinner.'" -Jay Leno

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"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine." -Jimmy Fallon

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On our way to my parents' house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn't that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.

When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and looking me over with a critical eye said, "Elizabeth! Don't you hink that blouse is awfully low-cut?"


*----------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ------------------*

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

"Would you?"