Monday, May 9, 2016

Good morning crew,

The wife surprised me by inviting me to a wine tasting this weekend. I'm not exactly an epicure, but I like to expose my palate to new taste experiences whenever possible.

Because if there is one thing a well-rounded gentleman should have it is an exposed palate.

I was a little surprised when we arrived at a slightly dilapidated liquor store to participate in the tasting, but I have put myself in much more compromising situations for the prospect of free booze, so I wasn't about to turn my nose up.

Several vendors were participating, so there was a pretty good selection of wine. And we worked our way though all of them.

While most of the wine wasn't very exceptional, I was able to amuse myself by testing the patience and gullibility of the servers.

Rolling a 'vintage' around my mouth I would comment on the profile, complexion, timbre, chewability and emotional impact of the wine.

Most of the servers just nodded and agreed with me (probably in the hopes of moving some of their product). Only one out of the five vendors looked me in the eye and said, "You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?"

But, out of 40 different wines we did find a couple that were actually drinkable, so we picked up a couple bottles to bring over to my brother Nino's house, since he and his wife had invited us for dinner that evening, and social convention says you never show up to a party empty-handed.

All in all it was a pretty good deal. We got 40 free samples of wine, which probably amounted to about 2 full glasses each, and the wine we ended up buying was cheaper than what we would have paid for four glasses of wine in a restaurant.

Fortunately, the wife remembered to scratch the "Bargain Bin Special: $3.99" label off the bottle before we brought it to dinner.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I'm not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million." -Seth Meyers

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"Kate Middleton revealed yesterday that her children have a pet hamster named Marvin. Well, technically, its full name is Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel." -Jimmy Fallon

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"Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. It's a special day when we Americans show our gratitude to teachers in any form but money." -Conan O'Brien

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Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?"