Thursday, February 27, 2014

Good morning crew,

One of the consequences of being married is that I never seem to know what the hell I am doing. For example; I commented to the wife last night that I was looking forward to finally having a nice, quiet weekend to ourselves.

"I'm sorry," she answered, "but we have that wine party this weekend."

"What wine party?"

"You know, the one being hosted by Katie, where we get to taste all the craft wines and buy them at a discount. Everybody's going."

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" I asked.

"I did," she said.

"When?"

"When we planned it. In December."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A new study found that being lonely is actually worse for your health than being obese. You know, because if you're obese at least it FEELS like there's two of you." -Jimmy Fallon

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"According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who talk less. Which is why you often overhear women say, 'Check out that mime.'" -Conan O'Brien

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"Washington, D.C., 7-Eleven stores have begun selling Dorito-coated cheese sticks. Because when 7-Eleven drops food on the floor, they don't give up." -Seth Meyers

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On my 40th birthday I waltzed out of my bedroom dressed in an old outfit I dug out of the back of the closet.

"I wore this on my 30th birthday! I guess that means my wardrobe is ten years old," I said to my husband, hoping he'd take the hint and buy me some clothes as a present.

"Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were 30 you had the body of a 40-year-old."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.