Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Good morning crew,

Over the years I have discovered that I have an incredible ability to cram everything in at the last minute. I know that everybody does this to some extent or another, but I really have a talent for it. Maybe it's a lifetime of procrastination that has honed it to a fine edge, but whatever the reason, this aptitude was tested to the limit last weekend.

As I described earlier, I had a barbecue party planned for last Saturday which circumstances conspired to make me completely unprepared for. And when I say unprepared, I mean I didn't even have a barbecue grill, which is one of the first things you need for a barbecue party.

So after making a last minute decision Friday night to gamble on the weather and go ahead with the party, I sat down and began compiling a list. When I was finished, two pages later, and showed it to the wife she actually laughed at me. Even I had to admit it was a little bit ridiculous, but the wheels were already in motion. It had to be done.

When the alarm went off at seven Saturday morning I rolled the wife unceremoniously out of bed with a gentle kick and we got started.

The first stop was the home improvement store where I was assaulted with about 50 different varieties of grills. That was actually pretty easy since I was able to walk right past the row of gleaming, $750 gas grills and straight to the bargain basement charcoal grills. And I was lucky enough to find a nice, little grill/smoker, complete with a rolling caddy and cooking thermometer for only a hundred bucks!

But then I had to get the charcoal, the lighter, some grilling tools, wood chips, and some sort of aerosol grill cleaner that the salesman managed to talk me into buying, because at that point I was getting a little manic, to tell you the truth.

That was just the warm-up. After that was the grocery store.

I had laughingly budgeted $200 for food and supplies, but as our shopping cart rapidly filled up I began to realize that we were way past that number. I'm not going to embarrass myself by telling you what the final bill was, but suffice it to say we had to go to the credit card because the wife and I together didn't have enough cash.

We didn't get back to the house until 12:30. Then it was a simple matter of unloading everything, building the grill, preparing the salads, appetizers and meats, filling the coolers, setting out tables and chairs, cleaning everything, showering and changing. All in 3 hours.

It's amazing how focused a person can get when the pressure is on. I assembled a grill that came in 75 pieces in just over an hour. AND the instructions were in Korean. Lord only knows what contortions the wife was going through in the kitchen.

By the time the first guests showed up I was reclining in the back yard with a cold drink in one hand and a cigar in the other like I had been waiting for them all day.

Hopefully nobody noticed that I had skipped showering and changing.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Expedia released their rankings of the most annoying drivers in America. For the 15th year in a row, the most annoying driver on the road is every driver but you. The survey says the least popular passengers are backseat drivers. I would have said carjackers." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"A 94-year-old man is graduating from West Virginia University. Just imagine how awkward it's going to be for the commencement speaker when he says, 'You have your whole life ahead of you. Except that dude.'" -Seth Meyers

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"A resort in Mexico has opened the first underwater bar. Shortly afterwards it became host to the world's slowest bar fight ever." -Conan O'Brien

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"One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.

After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man, "We need individuals who are totally responsible."

The young man grinned and responded: "Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I've worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!"