Monday, November 7, 2011

Good morning crew,

I took a long lunch today so I could make a trip to the hair saloon. They close at eight, but my personal stylist leaves at five, and I needed to get my ears lowered before people start handing me dollar bills on the street.

I know I sound like a bit of a prude, demanding my own hair stylist, but the last time I let them assign me a random girl I ended up looking like a Picasso painting.

A good hair cut is an important thing. If you know you have big divots and crooked lines on top of your head you're constantly self-conscious. It takes away from your confidence, weakens your credibility and makes you less attractive to women. The same thing can happen if you wear one of those neckties with cartoon characters on it or plaid with stripes. Really, a guy's personal appearance is a minefield of pit-falls. And personally, I have enough problems without worrying about all of that!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone ? unless they're very funny." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients' symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, 'I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have 'Server Not Responding.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"A Los Angeles woman claims she has Justin Bieber's love child. The woman will have to take a paternity test, then everyone will know once and for all who the real father is: Arnold Schwarzenegger." -Craig Ferguson

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Tour guides get bored spewing the same facts everyday. So these Philadelphia guides rewrote history.

"Trees were planted along streets so illiterate people would know the names of the streets. So Pine Street was lined with pines, etc."

"The reason the kitchens were in the basement is because the long, flowing dresses of women would catch fire and they could run directly into the streets, instead of through the house, spreading fire."

"The Lincoln statue in Fairmont Park shows him signing the Declaration of Independence."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"