Friday, August 19, 2016

Good morning crew,

I have discovered a new hatred in life. And I'm not talking about a dislike or a minor annoyance, I am talking about a deep-seated, remorseless, actively seething enmity.

And this new nemesis in my life has a name; dandelions.

This is a problem I never had living in a condo, but now that I have a lawn to take care of this new scourge has been introduced into my life.

They grow like, well, weeds, but the worst part about dandelions is that they will - not - die.

I have spent uncounted hours on my hands and knees with a 9-inch flat-head screwdriver (because I broke the handle off my commercial weed-popper) prying these vegetatious parasites up and leaving little craters all over my once beautiful lawn, but if you leave even a sliver of root in the ground it will come right back within a week.

I don't know how they do it. It really is incredible. But I know the exact same weeds are coming back over and over because they are growing out of the same holes I dug the previous week.

Now I know how Sisyphus feels. It is just hours and hours of labor wasted. When I look at the lawn and see all the old weeds back along with a new crop to keep them company, the despair that settles in my chest is palpable.

I had a nightmare the other night that I woke up one morning and the entire lawn had been replaced with giant, mutant dandelions. Have you ever seen the 1962 science fiction movie 'Day of the Triffids'?

I never thought I could harbour such visceral hostility for a plant.

I blame the wife. Last year we had a lawn service come out every other month and spray some mysterious concoction all over the lawn and we never saw so much as a thistle, but this year she canceled the service and now look at the shape we're in.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"In Oregon, a number of brewers are competing to turn sewer water into beer. The brewer said, 'Hey, if Bud Light can do it, we can do it.'" -Conan O'Brien

***
"A family cleaning out their grandparents' attic in Florida found a wooden box containing a mummified pirate's hand on a map with gold coins. A treasure chest full of gold pirate coins may be cool, but do you know what I have in my attic? Family heirlooms and pictures of all my loved ones - and isn't that the real treasure? No, no it isn't. The real treasure is a treasure chest full of gold pirate coins." -James Corden

***
"According to a list by 'Business Insider,' Washington University in St. Louis is the college with the best food. While the college with the worst food is the Olive Garden's culinary institute." -Seth Meyers

***
A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're gonna stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Two buddies were getting dressed in the locker room after a workout, when the first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend.

The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."