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Clean Laffs - I have discovered a new hatred in life.
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Friday, August 19, 2016
Good morning crew,
I have discovered a new hatred in life. And I'm not talking about a dislike or a minor annoyance, I am talking about a deep-seated, remorseless, actively seething enmity.
And this new nemesis in my life has a name; dandelions.
This is a problem I never had living in a condo, but now that I have a lawn to take care of this new scourge has been introduced into my life.
They grow like, well, weeds, but the worst part about dandelions is that they will - not - die.
I have spent uncounted hours on my hands and knees with a 9-inch flat-head screwdriver (because I broke the handle off my commercial weed-popper) prying these vegetatious parasites up and leaving little craters all over my once beautiful lawn, but if you leave even a sliver of root in the ground it will come right back within a week.
I don't know how they do it. It really is incredible. But I know the exact same weeds are coming back over and over because they are growing out of the same holes I dug the previous week.
Now I know how Sisyphus feels. It is just hours and hours of labor wasted. When I look at the lawn and see all the old weeds back along with a new crop to keep them company, the despair that settles in my chest is palpable.
I had a nightmare the other night that I woke up one morning and the entire lawn had been replaced with giant, mutant dandelions. Have you ever seen the 1962 science fiction movie 'Day of the Triffids'?
I never thought I could harbour such visceral hostility for a plant.
I blame the wife. Last year we had a lawn service come out every other month and spray some mysterious concoction all over the lawn and we never saw so much as a thistle, but this year she canceled the service and now look at the shape we're in.
Laugh it up,
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A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're gonna stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"
Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
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The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
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