Thursday, September 26, 2013

Good morning crew,

One of the problems with writing Clean Laffs for as long as I have (and dipping so heavily into my personal life like I do) is that most of my close friends and family are subscribed to it. You wouldn't think that would be a problem, but you haven't been to a party with me.

My brother Nino's end of summer party last weekend illustrated this little paradox. As I sat enjoying a beverage and rubbing elbows with the family, I fielded questions like; 'What's up?' or, 'How are things going?' And every time I began an answer with a story like; 'Well, last weekend I went out of town...' or, 'I was at a party recently...' or, 'A funny thing happened at the school...' I always got, 'Yeah, I read about it in Clean Laffs.'

I don't have anything to talk about.

So either I am going to have to start lying or I am going to have to unsubscribe everybody I know.

So I guess I shouldn't mention that I am going to an Oktoberfest downtown this weekend.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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***
"President Clinton is on the program tonight. We have a lot of security here. Even I had to go through security. I was frisked. I was groped. I was patted down. Then I got back in line." -Dave Letterman

***
"California has been invaded by four new species of lizards, and they're legless. Every time a new species is discovered, why is it some kind of slimy lizard or slug thing? Why can't they discover a long-lost, extra-cute kitty cat or a super-cuddly ferret?" -Craig Ferguson

***
"Traffic has come to a complete stop in Hollywood because we have a huge free concert with Paul McCartney tonight. Either that or all of those people outside just fell for our biggest prank ever." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
A man and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.

"Look, a scale," the man said to his friend. "Let's see how my new diet is working out."

He stepped on the scale.

"I can't believe it!" he said as he read the result. "I've been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I'm heaver than I was before! How can that be?"

He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. "Here, hold my jacket," he said.

The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.

Not much change.

"Here," he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies too."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"