Thursday, May 8, 2014

Good morning crew,

I now have a new part-time job; cleaning my apartment. Apparently my place has become something of a tourist attraction. There have been an average of 2 or 3 people a week coming through to look at the place, so it seems like I am constantly dusting, vacuuming, polishing mirrors, putting away books, hiding dirty laundry and lighting candles (I read that scents like cinnamon, spice and chocolate make people think of home).

Unfortunately none of this Grand Central Station-like traffic has resulted in a single offer, not even an insulting, low-ball offer, which makes me think I am doing something wrong. Maybe I should take down the Kukri knives, swords, and all of the aboriginal and African art I have decorating the place. It might give people a bad impression.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A new study shows that teens who mix alcohol and marijuana are more likely to have a bad driving record. Also, you can take out the word 'driving' and replace it with anything." -Seth Meyers

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"The United States used to make all the steel for the world. But here's what we do now. In Chicago, a restaurant came up with something called a wonut: a combination waffle and donut. They've been working on it at the University of Chicago for years." -Dave Letterman

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"There's a new trend of people calling 'Find My iPhone' to confront thieves who have stolen their iPhone. They use the app 'Find My iPhone' to find the thief. And this explains the app called 'Find My Stupid Friend Who Went After the Criminal Who Stole My iPhone.' Way to get murdered." -Conan O'Brien

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The teen boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've got three tickets for the movies."

"Why do we need three?" asked the girl.

"They're for your father, mother and kid sister," he replied.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it," was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."