Thursday, March 15, 2012

Good morning crew,

I am wiped out today! It topped out at 80 degrees yesterday, and when I got home last night the thermostat read 84 inside my apartment.

Because I live on the top floor of a three floor building I get a double whammy when the weather gets warm from the sun baking the roof immediately above my head and the insulating factor of the condo below me.

Even after opening the balcony door and all of the windows the temperature didn't get below 80. And I refuse...refuse to turn the air conditioning on while it is still officially winter.

So I lay in bed awake almost all night last night, sweating. I probably lost a good quart of water by morning.

So now I am groggy, dehydrated and cranky. It could be worse. I could be groggy, dehydrated, cranky and broke, but today is payday, which means I can afford to hit the bar tonight after classes.

And as we all know nothing cures chronic dehydration better than alcohol.

If anybody is going out and getting rowdy on Saint Patrick's Day this weekend please be safe!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Are you on Facebook? If you are, check out the Deal of the Day fan page. You get exclusive offers and a new deal every day. It is easy to become a fan, just click here and hit the like button... 'Like' Deal of the Day Here

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"There's an event being held in New York over the weekend by a group that's working to get yoga as an Olympic sport. NBC is pulling out all the stops to get us to not watch the Olympics, aren't they?" -Jimmy Fallon

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"You know when it comes to organic food, the USDA is very tough. You can't have anything that ends in 'eetos.'" -Craig Ferguson

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"We lose an hour with daylight-saving time. I don't condone jumping ahead in time in any form, unless it involves a DeLorean, stolen plutonium, and a soundtrack by Huey Lewis." -Jimmy Kimmel

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CUSTOMER'S GUIDE TO SUPERMARKET SHOPPING

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your check-book. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!

3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.

5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.

6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.

7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.

9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life.

10. Don't forget rule NO. 8

11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.

12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite-- but you don't have to.

13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you had stayed single."