Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Good morning crew,

I think the stress of being a homeowner is starting to get to the wife. At 3:30 this morning I woke to find the hall light on and the gentle bumps and shufflings of someone moving around the house drifting in through the bedroom door.

I got up to find my wife with her head stuck in a closet. Not something I see every day.

"What, pray tell," I asked as gently as I could, "in the hell are you doing?"

"I hear a leak," she answered, "and it sounds like it's coming from behind the wall in this closet."

I immediately got nervous, because a leak behind a wall means thousands of dollars in repairs, so I pulled her out of there and I stuck MY head in the closet.

Standing there in my underwear, bent over at the waist with my head nestled among the towels and toilet paper rolls, I breathed silently into the stillness.

Finally, I heard a telltale 'plunk' sound somewhere behind the wall.

"Yep," I said tentatively, "I think I hear something."

"It's louder in the basement," she said. So we trooped downstairs and stood in the laundry room, right below where the upstairs closet is located. Again we were wrapped in church-like silence while the wife played a flashlight beam around the exposed floorboards above our heads.

Again the silence was punctuated with a soft 'plunk...plunk' coming from somewhere indefinite. But try as we might, we could not find any wet spots or moisture.

"What do you think?" she asked.

I said, "I think I'm going back to bed. It could just be condensation. Anyway, we can't do anything until we see some evidence of a leak. And we certainly can't do anything at 3:30 in the morning. How did you hear that dripping anyway, it's so soft?"

"I didn't. The dog barked."

"The dog barked and you got up to check for leaks?"

"No," she said, "I got up to check for rapists or burglars, but I heard the leak. The noise was probably what made the dog bark."

"Leave it to you to adopt a dog that barks at leaks," I said as I headed back upstairs, "although that might explain why she always sits outside the door when I'm in the toilet."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Burger King is now making a Whopper-scented cologne. But there is a warning. If you wear Burger King's Whopper cologne, don't go near a lion cage. You know, I think I'll just stick with my Steak and Shake aftershave." -Dave Letterman

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"Larry King reportedly tweets by calling a designated voice mail and leaving a message, and then an assistant tweets the message for him. Which I guess explains why so many of his tweets begin with 'Hello, operator?'" -Seth Meyers

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"Chelsea Clinton is here tonight. Chelsea's here to promote the 'Serve a Year' campaign. A lot of celebrities do this. They serve a year, sometimes less with good behavior." -Jimmy Kimmel

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Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant.

The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"

"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "that would be defeeting the porpoise."