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Monday, June 27, 2016

Good morning crew,

After a few weekends of cookouts, sausages, hamburgers, chicken wings and pork loins, the wife announced she wanted to go 'vegan' for a while. I agreed. A good balance is important for a healthy diet.

"So how about we have a salad for dinner tonight," I said.

"Sounds good to me," the wife answered.

"I'll stop at the grocery store on my way home from work. You want anything in particular other than greens, tomatoes, and cucumbers?"

"Yeah," she said, "get a pound of bacon, too."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Oscar winner Helen Mirren confirmed that she will be appearing in the eighth 'Fast and Furious' film. She'll be playing a respected actress who needs the money." -Conan O'Brien

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"The temperature hit 112 in Beverly Hills yesterday. That's dangerous. Experts say the best thing you can do in heat like this is take a screen shot of the weather app and post it to Facebook. That way if you die, you go out with some likes." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"Democrats held a big sit-in on the House floor to protest Congress' refusal to vote on gun control. Or in other words, Democrats were tired of Congress not getting anything done, so they refused to get anything done until someone got something done." -Jimmy Fallon

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Camping Tips

Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?

A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.

Q. Where should I go camping?

A. The United States has a spectacular national park system with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the Winnebagos.

Q. How much food should I take?

A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family, but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.

Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the raccoons.

Q. What if I get lost?

A. If you don't have a compass, stand very still and listen very carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"

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