Friday, January 30, 2015

Good morning crew,

Super Bowl weekend! I can't wait not to go to any parties. I'll be perfectly honest and say that I don't think I have ever been to a Super Bowl party that I really enjoyed.

I have been to Super Bowl parties that had great food, and I am always a fan of free beer, but real football fans, concentrated in a single room and uninhibitedly indulging their most ecstatic football fantasies, are somewhat alien to me.

The last football party I went to I ended up in the kitchen with a half dozen women discussing the vagaries of child rearing, who's getting divorced and whether it's worth the pain and cost of Brazilian waxing after you're married.

All stimulating topics of conversation, but they don't really complement Buffalo wings and hummus.

So I am perfectly content to sit at home with a pizza and a case of beer and watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet with the wife.

Of course, nobody invited me to a Super Bowl party this year, so I guess the argument is moot.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish - San Andreas)...The patron saint of generosity, in fact, people say he was generous to a fault.

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A report says high school students aren't very good with American history. It's pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address was ALincoln@gettysburg.com..."

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It was 28 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that, drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio.

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In order to make the world a better place, the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet.

1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other.

2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space.

3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use elevators.

4. Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like "May your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder" must bear a label on the outside of the box saying: "Do Not Purchase - Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental."

5. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: "This Door Is Locked for No Reason."

6. Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods. In fancy restaurants, salads may no longer contain anything that can be found growing at the side of any public highway.

7. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase.

7a. Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says, "Now what do I want?" and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot.

8. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that is extremely illegal.

9. All Americans will appreciate irony. Britons will understand that two ice cubes in a drink is not nearly enough.


[This list was written by Bill Bryson in his book I'M A STRANGER HERE MYSELF. The original list contained several other items, but that would have made it too long for publication here, and to tell you the truth the other items weren't really that funny anyway.]


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
SOMETIMES...

Sometimes...
when you cry,
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain,
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried,
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy,
no one sees your smile.

But fart just ONE TIME!