Monday, December 15, 2014

Good morning crew,

I tried. I really tried not to get caught up in a decorating frenzy for the holidays, but I found myself spending half the weekend hanging lights and I blame it on the wife. Her enthusiasm for illuminating everything with twinkle lights inspired me.

We are planning to have a little holiday party and I got the insane idea to illuminate the entire basement with twinkle lights. Somehow I got it into my mind that the perfectly serviceable over-head lighting in the basement was too harsh and everyone would feel more comfortable, or perhaps more festive, if the place was lit like an underground blues club from the 60s.

So after dumping an embarrassing amount of cash on 120 feet or so of LED lights I began the task of attempting to weave them around the drop ceiling in the basement. If you have ever worked with a drop ceiling you know those tiles are made mostly out of compressed dust. It seems like their entire purpose is to disintegrate into a shower of debris the instant you touch them.

I spent about five hours moving tiles around so I could run the lights through the drop ceiling, the entire time breathing the fine haze of probably carcinogenic dust drifting down all over my body.

And, of course, I broke the corners off of about a dozen of those stupid tiles while trying to fit them back in around the wires. It was a hot, dusty, frustrating, expensive project, but I finally got it done. Even the wife, who contributed by snapping the corners off of a few tiles herself before I could get to them, was impressed with the final result.

The next night we were having drinks with my brother Nino and his wife and I was describing the project to him.

He said, "You know, you can buy little clips that snap right onto the drop ceiling so you don't have to move any of the tiles."

"Lot of good that does me now. It's done."

"So," he answered, "just take the lights down and re-do it."

I almost hit him.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. You can still get products delivered before Christmas using FedEx Ground shipping! Don't wait, we have a ton of great products to help you finish off your shopping list. Go to www.PulseTV.com to check out some of our best sellers!

***
"Researchers are working on a Breathalyzer that can tell if you're driving while stoned. If the driver tries to dip the Breathalyzer in nachos and cheese, or tries to light it with a lighter, the gig's up." -Conan O'Brien

***
"There's a holiday gift giving trend that's supposedly on the rise this year called self-gifting. It's OK to buy a gift for yourself. But buying a gift and wrapping it for yourself, that's pathetic." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
"A company has developed a grease burn protection so you can fry a skillet full of bacon naked. I did that once. I'm so embarrassed. I thought it would be fun to cook bacon naked. And then Denny's fired me right on the spot." -Dave Letterman

***
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."