Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Good morning crew,

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to my friends and readers who celebrate it. I have prepared elaborately for this week by filling the fridge with beer and the freezer with chicken pot pies and frozen pizzas. So I should not have to leave the apartment for a good five days.

What will I be doing with all of this time in self-imposed isolation? If you recall from last week the story about how the wife and I both bought each other a GPS for Christmas, well, apparently the wife felt obliged to make up for the snafu by buying me a Blu-ray player!

So I have a lot of movies to plow through in high-definition, Blu-ray glory.

I might as well, since I'll be spending most of my time by myself. You see, I felt no such obligation and didn't bother to get the wife another present. I think she's a little mad at me.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Are you on Facebook? If you are, check out the Deal of the Day fan page. You get exclusive offers and a new deal every day. It is easy to become a fan, just click here and hit the like button... 'Like' Deal of the Day Here

***
"The holidays are just wonderful. Here's what I thought was sad, though, the line for the mall Santa? Out the door and around the block. The mall rabbi? Nothing." -David Letterman

***
"Here's a fun fact: You know how much Christmas wrapping paper is on the average roll? Four inches less than you need." -Jay Leno

***
"I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It's like we're all in on a huge joke we're playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way."

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.

"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning

Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It's a leaf blower.

You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

Your wife: I want a divorce.

You: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.