Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Good morning crew,


Joe, How often must we tell you to stop spending your money on beer and start saving for a house? Beer is dumb. -Linda


Linda, while I appreciate your concern, I should tell you that I am a firm believer in the axiom proposed by Homer Simpson;

"Alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years after it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, 'Help! Stranded with enough food for exactly 23 years.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway." -Jay Leno

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"For the first time ever, scientists have created artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its slaves, etc." -Jimmy Kimmel

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My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase.

Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off."