Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Good morning crew,
You know, I have never owned a cell phone. They've been
around, in one form or another, for twenty years now and
I have never felt I had to be connected to the world so
intimately that I needed to be chained to a cell phone.
I was thankful for my stubbornness when it came out that
cell phones were giving people brain tumors. Now there is
even more evidence that excessive cell phone usage is bad
for your health...cell phone elbow!
Orthopedic specialists are reporting cases of the condition
in which patients damage an essential nerve in their arm
by bending their elbows too tightly for too long.
People who have this condition, called cubital tunnel
syndrome, can feel weakness in their hands and have
difficulty opening jars or playing musical instruments.
How many bullets have I dodged in the last twenty years
by not owning a cell phone? So I have no friends and I'm
screwed if I ever find myself alone in an emergency
situation...at least I can still open jars!
Laugh it up,
Joe
mailto:joe@gophercentral.com
P.S. We have a *NEW* archive page! You can read newsletters
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"I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits.
They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful,
thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Whereas I tended to
be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean,
defiant, glum, extravagant, dirty, and sacrilegious."
--George Carlin
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"When I was a kid getting to borrow the car was a big deal.
Before he handed over the keys, my dad always gave me a
lecture. 'Now I'm not giving you this car so you can screw
it up.' Well, I said to myself, then I don't want it."
--Louie Anderson
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"You can't believe how much hard work it is to con people
into thinking that you're productive when you're unemployed.
Always thinking up things to tell them you're going to do
tomorrow, having to exaggerate every minute of your nowhere
day...it's worse than having a job. At least when you're
employed, when people ask about your day you can tell them
to shut up and mind their own business." --Drew Carey
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Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail (and blogs
and texts and Tweets) and the more common use of the written
language, it is time for an English lesson.
So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep
in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad
too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose
earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when
its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me
what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the
coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.
"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded
her. "Besides, we're over the ocean?you won't get a signal
out here."
"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's
sitting up in first class."
____________________________________________________________
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