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Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Good morning crew,

It was a close thing, but once again I narrowly avoided having to cook on Thanksgiving. In the last couple weeks I have made some dangerously irresponsible remarks about hosting our very first Thanksgiving in the new house, but fortunately nobody took me seriously.

Instead of that culinary marathon I will spend the day driving around and mooching off of friends and relatives, the way God intended.

But one of these years I know I'm going to get stuck with the honor.

How long can my luck last?

Laugh it up,


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"The good people at Butterball have been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981. Every year the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not once been able to save a turkey's life." -Stephen Colbert


"I heard that AMC will broadcast a marathon of the entire 'Godfather' trilogy on Thanksgiving. So if you want to watch a dramatic family falling apart on Thanksgiving - now you've got TWO ways to do that." -Jimmy Fallon


"Thursday is Thanksgiving. Now's the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you're going to say when you get drunk." -Jimmy Kimmel


[Supposedly a true story, but who knows? Who keeps chloroform in the house?]

A woman who got it into her head that a fresh turkey produced a far superior meal to a frozen one made a trek out to a turkey farm to buy a live bird. But after returning home and looking square into the eyes of the living, breathing creature she'd just purchased, she just couldn't bring herself to kill it by wringing its neck or chopping off its head. Instead, she managed to put the turkey to sleep with chloroform and then began the process of dry-plucking it. Just as she finished removing the last of the feathers, however, the bird woke up.

The next-door neighbors responded to her shouts and arrived at her back door to find a woman being chased around her kitchen by an angry, naked turkey.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Here's a killer turkey recipe, with a foolproof self-timer. It's impossible to mess this up. You'll get a perfectly cooked turkey every time.

Preheat the oven to 325. Prepare the turkey, basting it with salt, garlic, butter, and black pepper. In a bowl, combine equal parts stuffing mix and popcorn. (Yes, popcorn.)

Fill the turkey's cavity with the mixture. Lay the turkey in a greased roasting pan.

Insert the turkey into the oven, with the neck pointing inward. This is very important.

Do not concern yourself with roasting time. When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open, it's done.

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