Thursday, November 21, 2013

Good morning crew,

Well, so much for the nice quiet (inexpensive) weekend. I'm not sure where the wife finds these things, but she bought us tickets for something called the Chicago Holiday Fest.

I'm not sure about the holiday part, since this is basically a beer, wine and spirits tasting event, but with all of that alcohol it should be a fest.

I'll let you know if there are any arrests next week.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Big news from the Oxford English Dictionary. For all of you kids watching who don't know what a dictionary is, it's a small portion of the Internet, printed out, kept on a shelf, and opened once every three years during a Scrabble game." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"The Oxford Dictionary has named 'selfie' the word of the year, narrowly beating out 'twerk.' In a related story, the funeral for the English language is this Saturday. They'll put it in the ground." -Conan O'Brien

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"Butterball, the country?s largest turkey producer, says it has a shortage of large Thanksgiving turkeys this year. Some experts say it's because of a greater demand than usual, while others say it means the turkeys are on to us." -Jimmy Fallon

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THE MODERN TOOLBOX:

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $24," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."