Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Good morning crew,

Here it is, Christmas Eve. I guess I should really start thinking about doing some Christmas shopping, but at this late date that is going to mean a trip to the mall, and if there is one thing I loath in the free world, it is going to the mall. So I guess I'll be doing my Christmas shopping at the liquor store, like every year.

Do you think the wise guys had that problem when they brought gifts to the baby Jesus?

"Balthazar, what did you get the baby Jesus?"

"I brought some frankincense, how about you?"

"Myrrh. I couldn't think of anything else. What about you, Melchior?

"I brought gold."

"Gold! I thought we agreed on a $20 limit! Now me and Balthazar are going to look like a couple of cheap skates. Well, we're all just going to have to put our names on the card."

"No way! You're the one who brought myrrh, you're not signing my card."

Okay, maybe it didn't happen exactly like that.

Anyway, I hope everybody have a safe and happy holiday!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"We're having our office Christmas party tonight. Just like last year, I'm going to get drunk, make a fool of myself, and then go to the office Christmas party." -Conan O'Brien

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"The White House hosted its annual Hanukkah party and everything was going great until Biden tugged on a rabbi's beard and said, 'You're not Santa.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is purchased during the week before Christmas. And 99 percent of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week after Christmas." -Jimmy Kimmel

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As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.

"Don't worry. Santa will never know."

He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don't EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you....

Things NOT To Say When Hanging Christmas Lights

--"You've got two red lights right next to each other. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."

--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."

--"Give me that!!"

--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"

--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

--"Have you been drinking?!!?"

--"Okaaay! Looks like we're *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey....wait a minute, where's the cat?"