Thursday, July 17, 2014

Good morning crew,

Fest season is rolling along with Caribbean Fest this weekend. That is one of the advantages of living in a diverse metropolitan area; I really don't have to travel to take advantage of all the rich cultural experiences of the international community.

There are suckers who spend tens of thousands of dollars and waste months of their lives traveling around the world, while in the space of two little weekends and an area of a few square miles I can go to Ukrainian Fest, Greek Fest and Caribbean Fest and enjoy the authentic cuisines of those peoples like bratwurst, polish sausage, corn-on-the-cob and room temperature Lite beer, served by people who probably have connection to those countries whatsoever.

That's what America is all about, people.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

***
"This crazy weather we've been having all over the country - it's because the polar vortex is back. The polar vortex is causing the Midwest to experience fall-like temperatures. I can't tell if climate change is still a problem or if God just put the Earth on 'Shuffle.'" -Jimmy Fallon

***
"The border crisis continues. And a new poll shows the majority of Americans disapprove of how President Obama is dealing with immigration. Of course, those numbers could change if he lets more people into America." -Seth Meyers

***
"Kim Kardashian has a new iPhone app that experts say could make her $200 million this year. But keep in mind she has to give 10 percent to her manager, 10 percent to her agent, and 10 percent to Satan." -Conan O'Brien

***
People in a small town can exhibit extraordinary levels of trust. I was collecting shopping carts outside the grocery store where I work when a man and woman pulled up in a brand-new sports car. Noticing the dealer plates and the price sticker on the window, I assumed the couple were deciding whether to buy the vehicle.

"Test drive?" I asked.

The man gave me a long, careful stare. "I guess," he shrugged and tossed me the keys.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A man was walking in the country when he saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was wondering what happened to the pig, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig came to have a wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last April and he dragged my kids to safety!"

"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.

"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"

"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.

"Oh, no. Just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!" the farmer said.

"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.

"No, sir," replied the farmer.

"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.

"Well, sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once!"