Thursday, December 29, 2011

Good morning crew,

This is it, folks. Are you prepared for the end? If you have been reading the hype you know that all of the doomsday nuts are predicting some sort of global cataclysm next year.

That's right. The end of the world.

So how have you prepared? I personally have been stockpiling supplies of scotch and frozen burritos all year. Wait a minute. I just thought of something. If society does collapse there probably won't be any electricity to run my freezer.

How am I going to keep 200 pounds of frozen burritos cold?

I guess I need to get rid of all of it. Who wants to come over to my place for a burrito and scotch party?

I'll talk to you all next year!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"If there is a government shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees." -Jay Leno

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"According to a new survey, 75 percent of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my staff is, 'See you at the holiday party.'" -Conan O'Brien

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"Researchers at the University College of London report that indoor heating makes us fat. They say cold air helps us stay thin. Unless, of course, that blast of cold air you're getting is from constantly opening the refrigerator door." -Jay Leno

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"Camping Tips"

Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?

A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.

Q. Where should I go camping?

A. The United States has a spectacular national park system with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the Winnebagos.

Q. How much food should I take?

A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family, but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.

Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the raccoons.

Q. What if I get lost?

A. If you don't have a compass, stand very still and listen very carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.

All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment", she had listed "Baby-sitting".

But then she read, under "Reason for Leaving" her daughter had answered, "Parents came home."