Monday, May 13, 2013

Good morning crew,

The martial arts school where I teach has been doing pretty well lately. A lot of new students. And the biggest percentage of the student population, as with most martial arts schools, is the kids. That is who I teach.

Last week I got a group of five white belts, that is all brand new, wet-behind-the-ears beginners, all five-years-old and younger.

If you have any experience with little kids you know that they do not listen. Do not. In the past, while dealing with one or even two little kids, I have been able to keep them focused with constant interaction. But with five there is just no way to do that.

I spent five minutes trying to get them to stand in a line. Trying, mind you, since it was an impossible task. The "Little Tigers" class is only 30 minutes long so I had to abandon the idea of a line and move straight to trying to teach them a basic white belt technique known as a Hammer-fist.

Teaching, of course, requires some one-on-one interaction, which meant that as soon as I tried to focus on one child the other four went into scramble mode.

One has apparently adopted me as a surrogate parent and seemed to want nothing more than to hug whatever part of me he could get his hands on. Another one has apparently adopted me as a punching bag and wanted nothing more than to toughen his knuckles on any part of my body he could reach. The others just seem to want to be track stars.

So there I was, on my knees, with the four-year-old wrapped around my neck like a cape, the boxer I had gripped in one hand by his shirt front to keep his chubby little fists out of range of my face, two more chasing each other around me in a circle while I tried to demonstrate the proper fist articulation to a fifth who was paying no attention to me at all.

All while the parents stood ten feet away watching the whole spectacle. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

That was last week. When I go back this afternoon I'll find out if any of the kids are still enrolled.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they are not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone." -Jimmy Fallon

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"NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane." -David Letterman

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"Giant African land snails have been found in Florida and Texas. If you're in Houston and you see a giant snail coming toward you, walk slowly for your life." -Jimmy Kimmel

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Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact."

I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.