Monday, May 21, 2012

Good morning crew,

With all of the wedding projects and planning still to be done, the girlfriend and I took this Saturday to drive downtown and spend the day cooking out and drinking with old Mason and his wife and kids. Okay, the kids didn't do much drinking, but they are surprisingly good with a gas grill for 10-month-olds.

And we picked a great weekend, too, what with the NATO summit in Chicago and all.

Since so many of the streets were actually closed off around the summit, Mason suggested that we skip the expressway through downtown and take the surface streets to the west of the city instead.

That turned into a nightmare. Imagine driving through 18 or so miles of heavily traveled side streets, swollen with extra traffic redirected off of the expressways.

I am not an overly patient driver to begin with, but by the time we had spent an hour and forty minutes inching through Chicago's near west side I was having fantasies about punching Mason straight in the face the instant I saw him.

Fortunately that didn't happen. When we did finally get there I was so relieved to get out of the truck that I was able to curb my explosive impulse disorder.

I can't say as much for the NATO protestors downtown. From what I hear several of them were arrested. I was nowhere near that, but we did get to see several military helicopters buzzing the city and I think one of them may have been Marine One. I waved.

If Barack O'Bama is a subscriber...let me know if you saw me waving!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"A new study found that 20 percent of Internet time is spent on social networking sites. While the other 80 percent is spent hiding a Facebook window behind Excel." -Jimmy Fallon

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"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

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An older man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'