Friday, January 8, 2016

Good morning crew,

It looks like the multi-state power ball jackpot is up to an estimated 700 million smackers. It will be the largest jackpot in U.S. history (when somebody finally wins it), so of course the office started a pool to buy tickets.

Now, I got a C in college algebra, but I know enough math to know that I have a greater chance of being struck twice by lightning on a sunny day than winning that lottery.

But while my left brain knows it is a waste of money, I can't help imagining what it would be like if, by some miracle, the office pool actually won and I was one of the 2 or 3 suckers in the entire office who didn't play.

Imagine almost everyone you know having the biggest party of the year...of the decade...and you're not invited. Everyone would be planning how to spend their millions and I would be planning how to make next month's mortgage payment.

And on top of everyone being a millionaire except me, I would also be out of a job. There are about 30 people in this office and so far 25 of them are in the office pool. If five-sixths of the company up and quit next week, I'm not sure how long we would stay in business.

So for a lousy ten bucks I can alleviate all of that paranoia, even though it is so unlikely as to be an impossibility. It's sort of like buying alien abduction insurance.

I guess in that way, playing the lottery at this point is more of a mental illness than anything else.

Well, I guess it's better than psychopathy or Munchausen's syndrome or something.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"My New Year's resolution for 2016 was to join a gym. My New Year's resolution for next year is to go to that gym." -James Corden

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"A new study came out that reveals some dangerous side effects from childbirth. The dangerous side effects women suffer include pelvic injuries, muscle tears, and children." -Conan O'Brien

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"Gem experts in Sri Lanka said they've discovered the biggest blue star sapphire ever found. It's worth over $100 million. Unfortunately, last night, some old lady threw it off the back of a boat." -Jimmy Fallon

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Accident Report.

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collar-bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope!


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked..."