Friday, August 28, 2015

Good morning crew,

I got screwed out of a steak dinner! Earlier this week the wife came to me and said, "Guess whose anniversary it is?"

I did a lightning fast rundown in my mind of our anniversaries; First date? No. Engagement? No. Wedding? No. House purchase? No.

"Uh, not ours." I said.

"No, not ours. It's my parents!"

"Oh!" I said, relieved. "Congratulations to them. If you get them a card make sure to let me sign it."

"I can to better than that," she said. "They're going out for a steak dinner this Friday to celebrate and they invited us along."

It's been months since we've actually been out for a steak dinner and suddenly the image of a medium-rare 16-ounce New York Strip smothered in grilled onions and mushrooms was floating in my head.

"I'm in!" I said.

The last three days have been an agony of anticipation. I have been watching my diet. Eating vegetarian. Yesterday I even laid out the outfit I was going to wear.

Then last night the wife told me, "Sorry, Hon, my parents decided not to go out for their anniversary."

"Not going out? Why not?"

"They're just not feeling up to it," she answered. "They're going to have a quiet evening at home."

I was crestfallen. "But what about me?" I asked. "I thought we were going to have martinis and oysters, and steaks and loaded twice-baked potatoes and steamed asparagus with melted butter and creamed spinach?"

She patted me on the shoulder and said, "Don't worry. I'll make you a hamburger and Tater Tots. You like Tater Tots."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Today is national dog day. Dogs, as you're probably aware, were widely considered to be man's best friend, until 2007 when the iPhone was invented to replace it." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"A new study claims that first grade students are getting three times more homework than they should be doing. This is coming from the lead researcher, 'Timmy.'" -Conan O'Brien

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"A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep." -Seth Meyers

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I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....MOLASSES!"