Monday, January 10, 2011
Good morning crew,
After my brilliant coup on New Year's Eve it didn't take
me long to fall back into my old habits. I had a date
Saturday night, but of course didn't make reservations
until, oh, Saturday afternoon...late Saturday afternoon.
Like six.
I was told they might be able to squeeze us in at 8:30.
When we got there the line was practically out the door.
So we put our name in, got a drink at the bar and took
a seat on the curb in the parking lot.
By the time we got a table, around ten, I was four drinks
in and had to be helped to my seat. I don't remember much
about the meal, but I was told it was good.
Laugh it up,
Joe
mailto:joe@gophercentral.com
P.S. We have a *NEW* archive page! You can read newsletters
from Clean Laffs to Bizarre News and dozens of titles in
between. Years worth of issues! Just check out the link at
the bottom of the page!
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"A new study found that humans started wearing clothes about
170,000 years ago. In fact, the first sentence ever spoken
was, 'Me look fat in this?'" -Jimmy Fallon
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"Happy birthday to Elvis Presley. Elvis changed the face of
movies and music. He made 35 movies, and in every one, he
played a singing race-car driver." -David Letterman
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"A professor at Utah State University is now studying people
who suffer from what he calls a compulsive obsession with
morality and religion. They had these people when I was a
kid. They were called parents." -Jay Leno
YOUR VIDEO SNACK BAR
Top Viewed Videos...
1. Day of the Kamikaze
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5. What a Wonderful World It Would Be
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6. A Cat with A Drinking Problem?
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There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came
to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed
your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and
I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't
eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same
question. The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well.
I give them fish, whole grains, hot corn mash and as much
fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my hands on. Why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I
think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when
there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined
the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked the same question.
The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful
thought: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they
can buy whatever it is they want."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
THE TODDLER DIET
You folks with toddlers should relate to this one!
Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to
eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat
diet).
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the
years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-
olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water
and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After
consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and
distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet.
Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the
rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the
jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of
flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat
it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of
vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a
handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if
desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until
it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed
potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other
pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker
from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your
best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table
and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
punch.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes,
add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meat-
ball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
____________________________________________________________
WHAT DID THE BUDDHIST SAY TO THE HOTDOG VENDOR?
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