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Friday, August 11, 2017

Good morning crew,

An absolutely beautiful, perfect summer weekend coming up, and you know what that means...

More yard work.

Because fun, rest and relaxation are for hedonists, and hippies, and college kids, and people with money, and fulfilling lives. This isn't some progressive, self-indulgent, European socialist fantasyland. This is America.

Laugh it up,


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"Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a potato-rito, which is beef, cheese, potatoes, and chipotle spice wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional value, just eat the dollar." -Seth Meyers


"The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated its fifth year in space by humming 'Happy Birthday' to itself. The Rover then drank a bottle of white wine and cried itself to sleep." -Conan O'Brien


"Vin Diesel is with us tonight. Vin is not his real name. His real name is Vehicle Identification Number." -Jimmy Kimmel


A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he'd just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won't go away?" he asked his friend.

"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."

"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"

"Well, this week...nothing!"

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