Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Good morning crew,

With no small amount of modesty I can honestly say that last weekend I created a workbench of exceptional quality, utility and artistry. A triumph of design, execution and workbench-i-ness.

And when I say "I", I mean me and the three other people who helped me build it. But hey, even Michelangelo had assistants when he painted the ceiling of the Sixteenth Chapel.

Like the Chinese say, 'Many hands make light work', but even so, four people may have been slight overkill for this job.

The first person to show up was Val, a friend from the old martial arts school who has done a lot of remodeling in his own house. He came by at 9:30 with his truck full of saws, saw horses and other needful carpentry paraphernalia.

Since I already had all of the raw material laid out and ready to go we set to immediately with a cup of coffee and a lengthy discussion about how easy the job was going to be once we finally got started on it.

But eventually we got to measuring and sawing and by the time old Mason showed up around 10:30 we already had the framework of a very nice box laid out. This gave Mason the perfect opportunity to stand around for another half hour while we did some more sawing because there was still only enough work for two people. However he did contribute by making helpful criticisms and off-color jokes about 'drilling holes' and my not having a big enough 'bit'.

At a bright and early 11:15 my brother Nino rumbled up in his big diesel truck with even more tools and the party really got started. By that time the frame for the bench top was finished and the drilling and screwing began in earnest.

There were a couple tense moments when discussion flared over how many joists should be included in the frame and at exactly what angle the legs should be attached, but despite these engineering challenges, and the occasional elbow in an eye as we jockeyed for position, work progressed rapidly.

I might have been a tiny bit paranoid about creating a sturdy enough structure. I was insisting on screws about every 12 inches, countersunk of course, which wasn't all that easy since we were using 3 inch screws. Nino even managed to break a Phillips head bit by putting all of his weight behind his drill like a linebacker in order to embed the screw into the stud. You would have to knock the garage down before you move that bench.

By three o'clock, a mere 20 man-hours later, we had created an elevated surface of exceptional rectangularness and levelness. No small accomplishment since we started drinking beer about 2 hours into the project.

I guess I can admit after the fact that my secondary reason for recruiting so much help was to instigate a small party. That part of the plan, at least, came off without a hitch, because later that afternoon Val's wife, Nino's wife and my wife showed up and we all spent a lively couple hours employing the new workbench as a bar top.

When all was said and done it ended up being a lengthy and expensive project (not the least expensive component being the beer). As Mason observed, "You could have bought a professionally built work bench for about half the cost and installed it in about a quarter of the time."

Which is true, but where would have been the sense of accomplishment? Did the engineers who built the Golden Gate bridge look at it after it was finally completed and say, "Eh, it would have been easier to buy a pre-fabricated bridge."

On the other hand, the hundred-and-fifty I would have saved on a factory built work bench would buy a lot more beer.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"TSA Chief John Pistole announced that he is stepping down. So whoever takes his place is going to have some pretty big shoes to take off." -Jimmy Fallon

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"As of today, Starbucks will allow their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat." -Dave Letterman

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A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man sobbing loudly, "I'm trying to quit drinking."