Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Good morning crew,

I'd like to say 'Thank you' to everyone who wrote in with their well-wishes in response to the news in yesterday's issue. Yes, this has been a long time coming. The girlfriend and I have been together for over four years, after all. But the planning has been no picnic.

I am really beginning to understand the motivation of people who just fly to Las Vegas for a four-day weekend and get married by an Elvis impersonator. If I had a house I'd do the thing in my back yard, but it is too late for all that now.

The whole affair has become a juggernaut, rolling forward inexorably and inevitably, well beyond my control at this point. All I can do is hope and pray that I'm still sane at the end of it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"One of the most anticipated movies of the year comes out tomorrow. It's Marvel's 'The Avengers.' All the super heroes gathered together. It's kind of cool to see all the characters responsible for my virginity together in one film." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"You know what Portland has lot of? Microbreweries. I think they are like regular breweries, but only serve midgets." -Craig Ferguson

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"A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, 'Cool, I saved $380 this year!'" -Jimmy Fallon

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My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say only, "Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just say, "Shame on you" to that person.

Next week we were at the dinner table when my husband let out a huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you."

Imagine my husband's shock when my daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet. "It's all those years of standing," his doctor declared. "You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the ocean and you'll feel better."

When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.

"How much for two buckets of that seawater?" he asked the lifeguard.

"A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with a straight face.

The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, "Help yourself."

The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out. "Wow," he said, turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you got here!"