Monday, April 20, 2015

Good morning crew,

The wife and I engaged in another first as homeowners this weekend; we mowed the lawn. This despite the fact that both of us were sick with colds, but rain was forecast for Sunday and the wife just could not bear letting the lawn go another week and having the neighbors think we are some kind of squatters.

So bright and early at 1 p.m. on Saturday she went out to the garage to begin the project.

This was to be facilitated by a very nice power mower that her parents bought us as a house-warming present last October. It was a little late in the season to use it last year, so it has been sitting in the garage in its original box all this time.

I laid in bed with tissues stuffed up my nose for a good 20 minutes before guilt finally drove me to put on pants and go see what kind of progress the wife was making.

I found her standing over the partially dismantled box with our kitchen scissors in her hand. She had mangled the scissors up pretty badly by trying to cut the heavy duty cardboard with them, and was stymied by the fact that they wouldn't work anymore, but after digging my razor knife out of hiding we had the box broken down in short order.

Finally face-to-face with 190-CCs of chlorophyll-chopping power the wife opened the instruction booklet and began reading, "Congratulations on the purchase of your new lawn mower..."

"Come on, Hon," I urged, while snot ran freely down my lip. "This isn't rocket science, it's lawn mower science. I think we can figure it out."

So we began screwing things together using mostly guess work and some pictures from the instruction booklet, and eventually the machine looked more or less like the picture on the box.

"Now," I said, "let's get some gas in there and you can go ahead and fire that puppy up while I go stand on the other side of the fence."

To our credit, or more realistically the manufacturer's credit, the thing fired up immediately and the wife began happily pushing it around the yard. But after only 15 minutes or so she was sweating and had to take a break.

"The damn thing's heavy!" she panted, and let me take over.

She wasn't just whistling Dixie, either. The thing weighs a ton. I felt like Arnold Schwarzenegger in 'Conan' when he had to push the giant grist mill around in a circle in the middle of the desert.

But boy does it cut grass. Even 4 inches of growth was no match for this bad boy. It didn't choke once, and after swapping turns a few more times we finally got the whole thing cut.

The wife practically couldn't wait to call her dad and tell him we finally put his house-warming present to use. She was in the middle of her description when she stopped abruptly to listen. She looked at me and said into the phone, "Are you sure?"

"What?" I said.

"Well, that would explain it," she continued.

"What? What?"

She took the phone away from her mouth and said, "My dad says the lawn mower is Self-Propelled."

"It is?"

She nodded her head, "He says that's the whole reason he bought it."

"Huh," I said, "I guess that's what that extra handle must have been for. We should definitely use that next time."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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***
After examining a woman the doctor took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

***
"I wonder who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what on EARTH did he think he was doing?" -Billy Connolly

***
"When we got married we registered at Bloomingdale's because you can return everything for cash. And I figure each place setting can keep me in beer money for about a month." --Gary Barkin

***
Standing on the tee of a long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron, then a wedge, THEN a putt.

The golfer was insulted and berates the caddy telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he underestimate his game!

Apologizing the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He then proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"