Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Good morning crew,

I often don't make the best decisions. Like last Saturday at my brother Nino's pre-Easter brunch that he and his wife hosted at their house.

At one point during the party I found myself alone in the backyard where they have a nice, little patio next to a bit of garden with a few small trees and a couple shrubberies in it (one slightly higher than the other so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle), all surrounded by a stretch of lawn enclosed in a wooden privacy fence.

As quaint and pleasant of a little refuge as you could want.

Standing there, enjoying the weather and nursing my post-brunch mimosa, I noticed one of those free-standing, ceramic, back yard fireplaces sitting in the garden. Basically it is a open-mouth, ceramic pot with a chimney on it. Decorative but functional.

Having nothing else to distract me at the moment I started to collect dead twigs and branches from the yard and piling them in the fireplace. Then using dead leaves as kindling I set my lighter to it and very soon had bright, cheery, crackling little fire to keep me company.

Now, nothing attracts kids like open flame, and since this was a family party I soon had a small gaggle of great nieces and nephews standing around the fire in a semi-circle with uninhibited arson written all over their little faces.

It wasn't long before one of them asked, "Can we add some more sticks?"

Operating with the sound judgment that comes from three mimosas I immediately answered, "Sure!"

Before you could say 'Child Endangerment' there were five little kids scouring the yard and immediate environs for every stick they could find.

Probably noticing the cloud of smoke drifting past the windows, Nino soon came out onto the patio to be greeted with the sight of five children, in their Easter best, waving smoldering sticks around their heads while they ran around his lawn, raining sparks all over the thick layer of highly inflammable dead leaves which blanketed it.

"What are you doing out here?!" he exclaimed.

Everybody froze and stared at him.

"You can't build a good fire with those little twigs," he continued, "you need some really BIG sticks!"

After producing a few well-seasoned logs from his stack of firewood behind his garage Nino soon had flames leaping 6 feet out of the top of the little fireplace while the kids howled in delight (and occasionally in pain from the flying embers).

It was when the kids started "sword fighting" with the burning sticks that we finally decided we had better put an end to things before either a trip to the emergency room or a call to the fire department was required.

Coming back inside the house after making sure the fire was out, I apologized to the various parents for their kids reeking like smoke and looking like they had just been fighting a forest fire.

One mom looked her child over and said, "I don't mind the smell of wood smoke, as long as they still have both of their eyes and all of their fingers."

I think I can just about handle that amount of responsibility.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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***
"In some good-luck news, a man coming out of surgery has won $7 million on a lottery ticket that was tucked in his get-well card. And after paying his hospital bills, he still has $900 left." -Seth Meyers

***
"Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as 'Hispanic' on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, 'Si.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"March Madness is coming to an end. On Saturday after losing to Wisconsin, Kentucky fans went into the street and started burning things. Meanwhile, Wisconsin fans went out and starting frying things and covering them with cheese." -Conan O'Brien

***
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of whiskeys and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Three guys are debating which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear.

The Italian says, "Consider the phrase, 'I love you.' In Italian, it is: 'Ti amo'. What a lovely sound!"

The French guy says, "True, but in French it is 'Je t'adore'. An even more beautiful sound!"

"Unt vat's wrong vit: 'Ick leiber dick?" asks the German.