Monday, December 9, 2013

Good morning crew,

We got our first real snowfall here in the Chicago area yesterday, and the resulting winter wonderland reminded me of a story I have not thought about in a long, long time. It happened the year after I graduated college, while I was living in Denver, Colorado.

On this particular occasion I was house-sitting for a retired doctor who lived in the small but affluent community of Larkspur, about 40 miles south of Denver.

Larkspur is built around some rather steep hills and the good doctor's house is approached by a winding driveway that leads, at a healthy angle, from the street to his front door, about 20 feet above street level.

The first night I was there, there was a snow storm which dumped six or eight inches of snow over the entire area. Not having much to do the next morning I decided I would get some exercise and shovel a bit. But when I got out to the garage I discovered a huge gas-powered snow blower. So why exercise when you can push?

This was a high-tech machine for the time. It came with an electric starter that you had to plug in, then all you did was push a button and the thing would roar to life. Plus, it was self-motivated, so navigating the steep drive-way would be no problem.

I had gotten about 20 yards down the driveway, happily blowing snow, when I hit a patch of ice, or something, and the motor died. All in an instant I realized that I had to plug the starter in somewhere and the garage was 20 yards away and straight uphill.

I plodded up there and began looking for an extension cord. No go. This guy had ever lawn tool known to man, how could he not have an extension cord?

Back down to the snow blower. I turned the dead weight around and attempted to push it back up the driveway. That was not going to happen. It was 200 lbs. if it was an ounce.

Standing in the cold and staring at the thing I quickly adopted plans and abandoned them. In my desperation I even toyed with the idea of driving my car down the driveway and trying to jump the thing with the car battery.

I would have towed the thing back up, tied to the back of my car if I hadn't been worried about traction in all that snow.

In the end, and I'm almost too embarrassed to write this, I designed a type of yolk and harness system out of some rope and a broom handle, and I pulled the thing back up the driveway behind me, like a mule.

This whole process took about 75 minutes, with, I'm sure, plenty of confused looks from the neighbors. But at the end I stood there, sweating and triumphant, at the top of the driveway. And it was while bent over, untying the rope from around the snow blower, that I finally noticed the pull cord to manually start the machine.

True story, I'm sorry to admit.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships of the person using it. I'll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them? Turns out they were right." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading." -Conan O'Brien

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"Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions, and this is weird: If you're married, it's actually located in your wife's brain." -Jimmy Fallon

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Favorite Police Emergency Calls:

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn....
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move.

Being a guy, he took the bet. He launched four shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.