Thursday, January 3, 2013

Good morning crew,

So it is 2013 and the world is still here...so far. I don't mind admitting I am a little relieved. I still have plans. My New Year's Eve was rather quiet and uneventful compared to some others I have had.

The wife and I started the day at one of the casinos in Indiana with a few other people. It wasn't so much the gambling that motivated us but rather the opportunity to dress up like Rat-pack lounge lizards and smoke cigars (which they still allow indoors in Indiana), although the wife didn't have one. She's not a smoker.

While the wife took her share of the kitty and disappeared into the labyrinth of slot machines, I settled down at the blackjack table, handed the dealer my crumpled up wad of tens, fives and singles, lit up an Arturo Fuente and prepared to win myself a mortgage payment.

Well, if it wasn't exactly profitable it was at least fun. I was down, then I was way down, then I won a couple big hands and was up again, and every time the dealer handed out a bunch of blackjacks the whole table cheered. They have a little side bet where if your two cards and the dealer's face card make up a poker hand (like a three-card straight or flush) you win even more. I won a few big hands like that. But by the time the wife circulated back around to me and I counted up my remaining chips I found that I was about a hundred bucks down.

Since we had to leave shortly to make our dinner reservations I had no other choice but to make a desperation play.

Wandering over to the roulette table I took fifty dollars in chips and put it down on red. That's slightly worse odds than flipping a coin. But apparently I had burned up all my bad luck at the blackjack table because red came up! So I had cut my losses by fifty bucks on a lark. A smart person would have walked away happy. I, however, moved the entire hundred over to black (because the croupier was wearing a black vest and that is how I make my gambling decisions). Believe it or not black came up on the very next spin. So five minutes before we had to leave I went from a hundred dollars down to a hundred and fifty ahead.

The wife, unfortunately, lost two hundred at the machines, so the casino still won.

The rest of the night was spent spending money in much more mundane fashion, and since there were no arrests or visits to the hospital there isn't much exciting to report. The night did motivate me to adopt a New Year's resolution; to find a better way to make extra money!

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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***
"I've got to admit, I love the show "Doomsday Preppers." It's about people making bunkers to survive catastrophes they know will happen. A nuclear war, viral epidemic, Fox canceling 'Glee.' It's all going to happen." -Craig Ferguson

***
"Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show 'Cheers.' Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day ? or as they call that in Ireland, 'Reality TV.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"A new study shows that California has the dirtiest tap water in the country. California officials insist that the dirty water is fine as long as you chew it thoroughly." -Conan O'Brien

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After setting off the alarms at airport security, I was escorted behind a curtain. As two female officials "wanded" me, the senior officer gave instructions to the trainee on proper technique: first down the front of my body, then up the back of me, and?much to my embarrassment?up between my legs.

After she was done, her boss congratulated her.

"Great job," she said. "Now do it again, but this time, try turning on the wand."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I'll have the 24."

"Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that's the price, not the meal number."

"Oh," he said. "In that case give me the 12."