Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Good morning crew,

Believe it or not, the girlfriend has been trying to talk me into going on a Caribbean cruise with her this year.

"Are you kidding?" I said. "Have you seen the news? A cruise ship just sank, well, mostly sank right off the coast of some Italian island!"

"That's a one-in-a-million chance," she argued.

"If I want to go swimming I don't need a cruise ship to sink underneath me to do it."

"Well, what would you like to do for a vacation this year?" she came back at me.

"How about four or five days in Las Vegas?" I suggested. "There is virtually no chance of sinking and if we're careful we could probably get away with spending less than three thousand dollars. Or, hey, how about a three-day weekender in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin? We could rent jet skis!"

"Or," she countered, "how about a week in Hawaii?"

"Hawaii?"

She nodded eagerly as she conjured up images of five-star resorts standing on sun-kissed beaches, helicopter tours of the local volcanoes and nightly, torch-lit luaus, all a-la-carte.

"Come to think of it, a little Caribbean cruise does sound nice and relaxing."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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God help me, I've entered the Age of Skirted Swimwear. This is the age right after Accessorizing with Reading Glasses and a few years before Can't Name Anyone on the Radio.

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Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

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According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to live a healthier lifestyle."

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My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone's well-intentioned advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was impressed.

"I have to hand it to Pat," she told me. "She really is smart. Not Jeopardy! smart; more Wheel of Fortune smart."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."