Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Good morning crew,

How many people had a blizzard on Halloween? I did. Ok, not quite a blizzard, but there were several instances when it looked like a blizzard around my house.

The temperature was in the 30s, according to the National Weather Service there was a record snowfall for October 31 (it was a tenth of an inch, but still) and the 30-plus mile-per-hour wind was blowing the snow around in huge whirl-winds.

So much for all of my carefully planned decorations.

I even spent 50 bucks on a fog machine that I hid on my front porch in order to create a spooky "atmosphere" for the trick-or-treaters.

As you can imagine, the fog lasted about 3 seconds before a gust of wind swept it away, but I wasn't about to be cheated out of my fun. So, armed with a beer and a remote control for the fog machine I hid behind the front door and waited for the little kiddies to walk up to the porch before triggering the machine.

An unexpected benefit of this arrangement was that instead of creating a spooky atmosphere I managed to scare the snot out of the kids as they walked up because they weren't expecting a sudden eruption of smoke practically beneath their feet.

But since the weather was keeping the kids few and far between I did a good bit of waiting behind the door...and drinking. About every 30 minutes I managed to scare one group of trick-or-treaters and drink two beers.

By 7:30 the trickle of vampires, pirates and ninjas petered out, which was good timing since I was beginning to find it hard to focus on that tiny little button on the remote control, but I still had my fun.

The wife didn't though. When she got home around 8:30 she found me unconscious behind the front door among a litter of bite-sized candy bar wrappers and empty beer bottles.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The men's division was won by a Kenyan. Meanwhile, in Kenya, a pie-eating competition was won by an American." -Dave Letterman

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"Last night daredevil Nik Wallenda walked blindfolded between two Chicago skyscrapers. The Discovery Channel used a 10-second delay so producers would have time to cut away if anything went wrong - thereby depriving viewers of the reason they were tuning in." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"Kellogg's has reported a 31 percent drop in profits this quarter after sales of breakfast foods and snacks fell in the U.S. When asked how he's doing, Tony the Tiger replied, 'Not great.'" -Seth Meyers

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When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.

What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

You want to hear about hardship?

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!!

You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics!

We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!

We had to wait ALL WEEK!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!

You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"