Thursday, July 5, 2012

Good morning crew,

The theme for yesterday's big July 4th party at Cousin Kaz's house was HOT. When I checked the weather yesterday morning and saw that it was going to be 100 degrees I made one of those few, brilliant decisions that occasionally come to all of us; I decided not to wear clothes.

While almost everybody else at the party was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, or a sun dress, or capri pants, or some combination of summer-wear, I spent the day in swim shorts.

The method behind this madness was that whenever I felt hot I simply dumped a bottle of cold water over my head. It worked beautifully. Sitting, sipping a beer, nibbling on snacks, relating humorous honeymoon anecdotes, all the while soaked from my scalp to my toes, I was cool as a cucumber.

Unfortunately (at least for the rest of the party-goers), as with most zealots I was eager to share my revelation with as many other people as possible. So for much of the afternoon I was splashing and squirting everybody else. At first it was with their permission, but as the afternoon and the beers trickled down it became more and more involuntary.

The younger nephews and nieces suffered the most of my unsolicited charity, but I got a few of the older generation as well. I got the wife, of course, and a few of the siblings and in-laws. My poor brother Nino I got twice, once with the water bottle and once with the garden hose.

The man doesn't have a violent bone in his body, but I swear he was seriously contemplating punching me in the head.

Sheesh, I guess a guy can't have a little fun.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love." -Craig Ferguson

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"According to a Twitter study, people are happiest on the weekends and when their workday is over. They also discovered that if you stand in front of a moving train, it will kill you." -Jay Leno

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"The NYPD is apparently teaching its officers how to be more polite. It's true ? last time I got frisked, the cop was like, 'Have you lost weight?'" -Jimmy Fallon

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Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. "Would you care for chardonnay or burgundy?" he asked the high-paying passengers.

A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle. "Excuse me," he said, looking down at us, "would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A minor league ballplayer, left in charge of a baby cousin, suddenly realized that he did not have the least idea how to change a diaper. Frantically, he called a friend who was luckily a father.

The friend calmed down the ballplayer, then gave him the following instructions. "Place the diaper in the position of a baseball diamond, with you at bat. Fold second base over home plate. Place baby on pitcher's mound, then pin first base and third base at home plate!"