Monday, June 20, 2016

Good morning crew,

Welcome to summer, folks. Yes, it's here already. To be perfectly honest with you, I don't even remember May. As far as I can tell, it was April and now it's almost July.

But one of the advantages of writing Clean Laffs is that I can go back and see where a month disappeared to.

While today is the official first day of summer I won't be doing any grilling. I kind of used up my grilling quota for the week on Saturday. It was hot and sunny and I couldn't resist a little cookout.

No, my in-laws did not join us, but the wife and I did have lunch with them on Sunday, Father's Day, so they weren't completely excluded.

Grilling out wasn't all we did, either. In an effort to get into the mood of the season the wife surprised me by bringing home a swimming pool. For the dog.

I came out to the backyard carrying my cooler and my grilling tools to find the wife blowing determinedly into a 2-ring, inflatable kiddie pool.

"Is that so we can soak our feet while we drink beer?" I asked.

"No. It's so the dog can go swimming and stay cool in this hot weather," she told me.

A half hour later she had it inflated and filled about half way with ice cold water from the garden hose.

"Mini! Mini!" she piped, while chasing the poor, little mutt around the yard, "Come go swimming with Mommy!"

Holding the dog in the air, she carried it to the pool and suspended her over the water while her little paws kicked the air in desperation.

Looking at it from the dog's point of view, the pool was nothing more than a giant bath, but instead of a tub of comfortably warm water it was an ice cold lake.

The wife had to hold the dog in the water with both hands.

"Look at how much she likes it!" the wife exclaimed while the dog squirmed, splashed and clawed.

The instant she let it go, the dog hopped out of the water and shaking itself in indignation she slunk under the patio table.

But the wife was determined to make that dog enjoy the pool, no matter what. So every 15 or 20 minutes she would ask, "Doesn't Mini look hot? Look, she's panting!" Whereupon she would chase the dog down and give it another baptism.

After 3 or 4 dunks the wife finally began to realize that what she was doing was closer to animal abuse than a fun game, and gave up on the effort.

I could tell she was disappointed. In her mind's eye she could see the dog running around and romping in the pool, splashing and playing, but what she got was a dog who now has a desperate phobia of water.

Ah, well, her heart was in the right place, and to be perfectly honest, it was pretty entertaining, for me anyway.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The British are about to vote on whether to exit the European Union. They call it the Brexit, which, in America, of course is the meal between breakfast and exiting breakfast." -Stephen Colbert

***
"The FDA has approved a device for weight loss that sucks the food out of your stomach through an abdominal incision. Or, you could just try a salad some time." -Conan O'Brien

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"A Georgia man is facing charges after he tried to enter a Waffle House completely naked. Ugh. Can you imagine? Walking into a Waffle House barefoot?" -Seth Meyers

***
At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.

"I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one," said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.

"No," said the boy. "This painting is wider, so it'll cover the three holes I put in the wall."




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A therapist has a theory that the more often couples make love, the happier they are. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, "How many people here make love 2 to 3 times a week?" Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. "How about once a week?" A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. "Once a month?" A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, "OK, how about once a year?"

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked as this lone aberration disproves his theory. "If you make love only once a year," he asks, "what are you so happy about?"

The man yells, "Today's the day!"