Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Good morning crew,

We are enjoying our second snowfall of the year here in the Chicagoland area. It looks very picturesque outside right now.

It's only a couple of inches, but I already know it is going to give me headaches. Not in shoveling, but in dog washing.

You see, that disgusting, little mongrel the wife brought home cannot, and I mean...can...not... go outside to perform her duty without making a thorough investigation of every single square inch of mud she can find in the yard.

And a light, slushy snowfall like this just makes everything worse.

If I'm quick I can usually lure her back inside with a treat after she makes a 'deposit' and keep her from getting too messy, but if I take my eyes off of her for more than 30 seconds she is behind the bushes living out the doggy dream of finally finding out what is underneath all of that tantalizing mulch!

And when that happens there is no other option but to take her downstairs and dump her in the basement sink for a foot-bath. Not with light brown carpeting throughout the house there isn't.

Just the other night I was watching the wife go through this exact routine. As she was kneeling on the floor, rubbing the dog's damp paws with a warm, fluffy towel, I couldn't help but comment.

"It must be nice, getting a foot bath and a massage after every time you take a dump."

The wife just looked up at me and said, "Don't get any ideas."

At least now I know who rates around the house.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"I don't think people who participate in black Friday are there for the bargains. It seems like they go for a socially acceptable excuse to punch a stranger in the face." -James Corden

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"Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks." -Jimmy Fallon

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"According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you're an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level." -Conan O'Brien

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My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.

Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"

The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."