Thursday, March 6, 2014

Good morning crew,

This Saturday is black belt testing at the school. Unlike most of the other school events, black belt testing is actually fun for me because I get to torture the kids a bit. A bit more than usual, that is.

It is a fine line between training and abuse, and if I am good I will be able to cross it liberally and repeatedly without anyone noticing.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu...you probably don't exist." -Seth Meyers

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"They've discontinued Moviefone. If you folks are sad, press 1. If you couldn't care less, press 2. " -Dave Letterman

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"A 10-year-old in Ohio has been suspended after pretending his finger was a gun and aiming it at another student. Just wait until school officials find out he was in possession of nine other guns." -Seth Meyers

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Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one.

6. Keep it simple: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"