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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Good morning crew,

When I got home from the health club the other night the wife asked me how my workout was.

"Good," I told her. I did a couple sets of this and a couple sets of that. A few pushups. A few situps. "And then I did 150 calories on the rowing machine." I concluded.

"150 calories?" she asked. "Don't you mean 150 meters or something?"

"No, you can set the display to measure calories burned. I figure 150 calories will pay for the beers I'm about to drink tonight."

She shook her head at me with a little smile.


She said, "You're the only person I know who measures his workouts in alcohol."

Laugh it up,


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"The manager of English soccer team Manchester United has banned his players from playing Pokemon Go. The Manchester United manager said, 'I want my players thinking about soccer, not some fun game where interesting things happen.'" -Conan O'Brien


"The theme for the Democrats today at the Democratic Convention is 'United Together.' Which really is the best way to be united. So much better than being united apart." -Jimmy Kimmel


"President Obama appeared on Face the Nation this weekend and said of Hillary Clinton, 'She's not always flashy, and there are better speechmakers, but she knows her stuff.' Man, I'd hate to see Obama set somebody up on a blind date. 'She's got one wonky eye and she talks too much, but you don't wanna die alone, do ya?'" -Seth Meyers


Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite gesture, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you MORON!?"

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