Thursday, June 20, 2013

Good morning crew,

On the second day of our drive up to Mackinaw City, Michigan my wife's unerring ability to sniff out slot machines led us past a casino called Turtlehead, or something, where she casually suggested we take a break from driving for a few hours.

Rarely being one to turn down an adventure I only demurred half-heartedly before turning off the expressway.

It was a pretty nice place, so I figured I would relax with a beer or two and invest a hundred bucks in the slot machines myself. Normally slots are not my game, but I found one with lots of exciting graphics and fun music and tried not to think about the fact that I was throwing money away.

Wonder of wonders, in the first fifteen minutes I actually won a hundred dollars, and doing what any sane person would do I took the money and walked away from the machine.

The wife had disappeared among the maze of machines so I went to the bar, ordered another beer and set about waiting for her to show up with a fortune.

After another half hour had passed with still no sign of the wife I set off in search of her. By this time I figured she was either doing really well or really poorly. As it turns out, she was not doing well. By the time I found her she had that dejected look I have come to know so well.

"How bad?" I asked.

"About 300," she said carefully.

"300? Dollars?"

She nodded.

"How much cash did you have on you?" I asked.

"300?" She posed it as a question, apparently trying to gauge whether I would leave her in the casino to hitchhike her way to Mackinaw.

When she found out I had won she immediately became excited again and said, "So we still have another hundred dollars to gamble!"

I said, "Who's we?"

I still don't know how she did it, but somehow, before I was able to maneuver her out the front door, she managed to talk that hundred bucks out of my pocket.

Feeling like the stooge in a sitcom I followed her back to the slot machines where I watched her lose my hundred dollar winnings right back to the casino with almost laughable alacrity.

She was down to her last $20, I'm sorry, MY last $20 when, and I am not embellishing the story for comedic effect, she hit a $600 jackpot. In one spin she had won her money back, my money back and $200 on top. How is that for luck?

You can bet I heard about that the rest of the day.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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***
"Nestle has launched a new premium water called 'Resource.' They say it is made specifically for a woman who is a little on the trendy side and the higher income side. 'Resource' sounds so much better than tap water for women who are really rich and stupid." -Jay Leno

***
"A new survey found that 70 percent of Americans admit to 'going through the motions' at their jobs. And the other 30 percent blah, blah, blah, punch line." -Jimmy Fallon

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"There's a new movie out called 'Now You See Me,' and it's about everyone's favorite subject, magic. It's not that difficult to be a magician. All you need is a cape, a top hat, and a willingness to sell your soul to Satan in exchange for mystical powers." -Craig Ferguson

***
We all fail sometimes. But there's something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless - and inventive - of students.

* Classical Studies *
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

* Biology *
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

* Classical Studies *
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

* Biology *
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death

* Biology *
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

* Religious Studies *
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

* Physics *
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer: Fire

* Geography *
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

* Geography *
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

* Geography *
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

* History *
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again."

Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."