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Saturday, May 22, 2010
Greetings fellow Bizarros:
You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? I bet you the guy
in today's story wishes he had spent his weekend alone
spanking it to Internet porn like the rest of us do when
our wives are out of town.
It seems a Lutz, Florida resident hired a nude maid from
Craigslist to clean his home because his wife was out of
town. But the unfortunate part about hiring strippers from
the Internet is that they have a tendency to be less than
trustworthy.
When this stripper says she will clean your house she
really means she will clean your house. When the victim's
wife returned to her clean home she discovered her jewelry
missing.
The man believes the maid cleaned him out while cleaning
the bedroom. Hillsborough County sheriff's deputies are
investigating the theft of $40,000 worth of jewelry from
a posh northwest county home.
Deputies are now looking for the maid to question her in
the disappearance of the jewelry. The victim provided the
woman's web site along with a brief description of her ap-
pearance.
And the worst part? Not only does the poor bastard have to
tell his wife that every last earring and stickpin has been
stolen out of the house, but he also has to tell her that
he's been whoring it up with an Internet stripper.
But what I really want to know is...is she is a nude maid.
what was she hiding all that swag???
Bizarrely,
Lewis
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--------- Deceased candidate qualifies in primary ---------
GEORGETOWN, Ky. - Officials in Georgetown, Ky., said a
deceased city council candidate received 1,002 votes in
the primary election, despite signs notifying voters of
her recent death. Georgetown officials said Vickie Moore,
who died of a heart attack April 4 at age 54, received
enough votes Tuesday to move on to November's general
election for the council despite signs at polling places
telling voters the candidate had died and her votes would
not be officially counted, the Lexington (Ky.) Herald-
Leader reported. Election officials said Moore's name is
being dropped and will be replaced in the general election
by that of Antonio Barber Sr. Moore placed 13th out of 29
candidates in the primary. Locals theorized people may
have voted for Moore as a tribute to her memory, to show
dissatisfaction with the other candidates or because they
did not notice the signs. "I think people voted to make
a statement, or people were doing it in honor of her, to
say 'she would have had my vote had she lived,'" said
Scott Turner, president of the Georgetown Scott County
Community Connections.
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---------- City plans saggy pants ban ordinance ----------
HORN LAKE, Tenn. - Officials in a Tennessee town said they
are working on a new ordinance to ban locals from wearing
their pants low enough to reveal underwear or bare back-
sides. Horn Lake Mayor Nat Baker and members of the board
of aldermen said they have seen recent increases in men
wearing their pants in the saggy fashion, leading them to
seek a ban in the form of an ordinance, The (Memphis)
Commercial Appeal reported. "There have been ordinances
like this upheld across the country, and in talking with
the city attorney, I think we can draw up something that
can be upheld in court," Baker said. "They need to pull
their pants back up to where they should be," Baker said.
"It's getting out of hand." Officials did not reveal
possible penalties for violations of the ban.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Lewis, I just love your column. You manage to say things
how they are while trying to sound like a dink, but I
think your honesty and candor are hilarious. And when
people are just talking out of their ass, you give fact-
driven responses. I don't know if I read so much for the
"Bizarre News", but for your responses to peoples comments,
lol. Keep up the good work! -Jamie in Nova Scotia
Ancient Germans are not so great. I can start fires too
(with my you know whatsit), in the ladies.
So in Germany prehistoric pocket vaginas are rather common?
-Ben
[The story used the phrase "female-inspired works of art."
It didn't specify if the works of art were used for male
pleasure, but I doubt it. Have you ever put your penis in
a stone vagina?]
Lewis, The video of the stunt plane landing with one wing
missing is fake. If that wing had come off in flight, there
would have been broken control cables hanging out, fuel
spraying out (the fuel tanks are in the wings) and shredded
metal. It's not possible for a wing to pop off that cleanly.
I researched it: It was digitally faked as part of a clothes
commercial. Still very cool though. -David
Lewis, thought this might be right up your alley... "A Polish
man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and
spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. The
woman had been making some extra money on the side while
telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town."
[Who would be in more trouble in that situation, do you think?]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
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Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com
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