Bizarre News - July 2, 2014

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Compared to the woman who hid a loaded Deringer up her hoo ha, this guy is an amateur, but you have to appreciate his crisis management and his ability to think on his feet...or at least his ass.

So how much cash do you think you could cram up your butt? $50? Maybe a hundred? What if you were really motivated; Like it was your entire cache and it was about to be confiscated by the police?

Let's ask Tyrone Booker.

Booker, 30, was arrested during a drug sting in Jacksonville, Florida. According to the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office, Booker was placed in the backseat of a cruiser. An officer observed about $300 in the suspect's wallet. The officer then walked away.

When the officer returned, the money was missing. Booker said an undercover officer took the money. Officers searched the vehicle but the money wasn't found.

Once at the jail, the arresting officer then looked at the footage from the camera in the cruiser. The video showed Booker spitting on his hands to lubricate his fingers and repeatedly putting his hands in the back of his pants.

Officers then performed a strip search and found nothing.

The suspect finally revealed his hiding spot when he found out the next step was a trip to the Emergency Room. The money was rolled up and wrapped in a rubber band inside his rectum.

Due to the money being covered in what the Sheriff's Office euphemistically called a biohazard, it was not counted and the funds could not be verified.

Booker is facing charges of resisting officer, introducing or smuggling contraband into a detention facility, tampering with evidence and selling marijuana.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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Questions? Comments? Email Lewis


*-- Groom chases down thief who allegedly stole gifts from his wedding reception --*
JOPLIN, Mo. (UPI) - A groom got an unexpected surprise on Saturday while he was renewing his vows after a year of marriage during a ceremony in Joplin, Mo. Jared and Stephanie Lightle were restating their vows during a traditional wedding after he was deployed to Afghanistan a year ago. While he was putting a gift in the car, Lightle's mother pointed out an uninvited guest who she had observed taking wedding gifts from a table in the lobby of the wedding hall. Lightle shouted, "Stop! Thief! Stop," and gave chase while still wearing his tuxedo and leather shoes. The 28-year-old groom, his brother and father chased the man out of the hall and he was apprehended by police a few blocks away. When 31-year-old Rosario Caruso was caught, he still allegedly had gift cards and cash that were taken from the wedding. "If we hadn't caught the guy, it would have ended an otherwise perfect celebration on a very bitter note," the groom told the Joplin Globe. "But, since police caught him and it appears justice will be served. I guess we're going to have a very unique wedding story to tell the rest of our lives." Caruso has been charged with trespassing, larceny and resisting arrest.


*-- South Korean World Cup team welcomed home by being pelted with toffees --*
SEOUL (UPI) - When South Korea's World Cup team returned home after only collecting a single point and failing to advance in the tournament, unsatisfied fans did not give them a very sweet reception even though they had candies tossed at them. The soccer squad was pelted with toffees as they arrived at Incheon International Airport near Seoul after arriving home without a World Cup win in any of its three games in Brazil. According to the Guardian, "go eat a toffee" is an insult in South Korea which is comparable to "get lost" or "screw you." (Good thing the phrase isn't "go eat a bowling ball.") "I am sorry that we weren't able to return the love and support shown by our people during the World Cup," South Korea Coach Hong Myunbg-bo told the Korea Herald. "It was due to my deficiency as a coach that we didn't put up the desired results. But our players all have a bright future ahead and not everything was lost from this tournament." The president of the Korea Football Association will be meeting with Myung-bo "within this week" to discuss the coach's status. After two losses and one draw in the World Cup, Myung-bo is facing pressure to step down even though his contract extends through the Asian Cup tournament in January. "Firing the head coach based on poor results isn't always the best course of action," said an anonymous KFA official. "President Chung will sit down with coach Hong for some candid talks."


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
Dear Lewis, as much as you deserve having your balls removed, I'm not going to take offense at your sexist comments. The fact is, women have had that capability for many, many years.. some were stupid enough to marry anyway, but the numbers show that women today, are much happier with their "toy" than with any man. And we can mow the lawn ourselves. More important, since when do we start killing animals because of the "possibility" that they might hurt someone? That bear never hurt a fly and I don't think a broken window warrants the death penalty! Okay.. go ahead and attack me now.. -Patty
[Attack you? For suggesting that I should have my balls removed? Just like a woman to go straight for the goodies. I didn't once mention women or their genitals, but that is the first thing you go for. Compensating for something?]

That was an excellent quip about the machine making sandwiches and doing laundry, I think, but one that will generate outrageous comments by members of N.O.W., so be prepared. I love your invention of and the use of the word "malekind". Like Mark Twain said, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." "Malekind" says it better than the real word, "mankind". PS. You need a better editor. You left out the word "can" from your punch line and instead used "and". -Kaz
[The word mankind is a little too broad (if you'll excuse my sexist language). I could have used something penis-oriented but I didn't want to attract the ire of any militant feminists who might want my balls in retaliation.]

Those stories were AWESOME!
[You must be new. Keep reading; they get much worse.]

Lewis; So what does an automatic sperm extractor do? Beats me! -R.S.
[I'll do the jokes around here. Thank you very much.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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