Bizarre News - March 14, 2015

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

The next great leap forward in medical science has been made; the world's first successful penile transplant.

A team of pioneering surgeons from Stellenbosch University and Tygerberg Hospital in South Africa performed the nine-hour operation in December 2014.

Prof. Jimmy Volmink, Dean of SU's Faculty of Medicine, said, "This procedure is another excellent example of how medical research, technical know-how and patient-centered care can be combined in the quest to relieve human suffering."

The patient, whose identity is being protected for ethical reasons, has made a full recovery and has regained all function in the newly transplanted organ.

"Our goal was that he would be fully functional at two years, and we are very surprised by his rapid recovery," said lead surgeon Andre van der Merwe.

Van der Merwe explained, "There is a greater need in South Africa for this type of procedure than elsewhere in the world, as many young men lose their penises every year due to complications from traditional circumcision."

That's what you get for trying to cut the tip of some poor bastard's dick off with a flake of sharpened rock.

As the procedure becomes more common, doctors plan on offering options in large, medium and caucasian.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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*-- South African reporter mugged on camera by armed men --*
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (UPI) - A South African TV journalist was mugged on camera seconds before he was due to deliver a live report outside a hospital. The SABC News camera recorded the two men approaching contributing editor Vuyo Mvoko outside Johannesburg's Milpark Hospital Tuesday night while he was preparing to deliver a report on Zambia's president arriving at the facility for some tests. "It was like seconds to air and then the commotion started... I couldn't understand why they'd walk right in front of the camera because the light is on and they could see that -- and our car is branded, so they could see that this is a live broadcast," Mvoko told the BBC. Mvoko said the robbers demanded he hand over his phone. "Because I wasn't giving him the phone, he then called the other one who had a gun, and said: 'Dubula le nja [Shoot this dog],'" Mvoko told SABC after the incident. Mvoko said the men fled after he handed over his phone. The robbers also took another phone and a laptop computer from the news crew. "Hopefully someone will be able to identify them and get them arrested," Mvoko said. The South African National Editors' Forum issued a statement following the incident. "Every South African lives with the reality of crime, but to see thugs brazenly ignoring television cameras and robbing media workers in the course of their work yet again brings home the level of criminality in our society," a spokesman said.


*-- Wrestling-themed restaurant owner body slams armed man --*
CHICAGO (UPI) - A man who co-owns a wrestling-themed restaurant in Chicago with his wife, a former WWE star, used his own moves to take down an armed man at the business. Lee Varon, who co-owns The Squared Circle with wife Lisa Marie Varon, who performed in the WWE as Victoria, said a server told him about 9:30 p.m. Saturday a young man in the eatery was behaving strangely. Varon said the man walked into a women's bathroom before walking into the kitchen and telling him he was being pursued by men with guns. "He said some guys with guns were chasing him, and I thought, 'If guys with guns were really chasing you, then you shouldn't be out front,'" Varon told ABC News. "I escorted him back to the kitchen and he was immediately combative with me." Varon said he took action when the man appeared to be reaching for a weapon in his pants. Security camera footage from the restaurant shows Varon wrestle the suspect into submission. Lee said one of his cooks was able to get the suspect's gun. "My chef pulled the gun out of the kid's pants and said, 'where do I put it?' I said, 'On the table.' He said, 'Where?' I said. 'Next to the sprinkles' and just hearing put the gun next to the sprinkles is not something you say on a daily basis," Lee told CBS Chicago. Arnez Harper, 18, was arrested on charges of possession of a controlled substance, battery, aggravated assault and unlawful use of a weapon.


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
I have always thought that thigh and butt implants would be a hard sell to most women, but I failed to consider that "Puff the Magic Drag Queen" might want a little something extra to mask his undeniable and unerasable XY traits.
[I have heard women use the phrase "Fashion over comfort" to explain some stupid decision or other, but this is ridiculous.]

I'm just wondering something. When that transgender "body sculptor" goes to prison, will they send him/her to a men's prison or a women's? Just a bit curious. -Chris
[She hasn't been sentenced yet, but that's a good question. Where do you think she'd be more popular?]

Don't they study Physics in Germany? It would only soil their slacks and shoes if they do the deed straight-on. Hit the wall at a 45 degree angle and you'll nail the guy two d!cks over. You don't even need to study Physics, just play a little pool, no?
[I don't think the rules of fluid dynamics apply on a pool table.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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