Bizarre News - April 23, 2014

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Forget a degree. Stupid pays; sometimes. For the jerkoff in the last issue who was busted for pissing in a drinking water reservoir, stupid did not pay, but for the idiot who stood two feet from a racing freight train in order to take a picture of himself, or a "stiffy" (or whatever the hell it's called), stupid did pay. Why? Because the conductor booted him in the head at 30 miles-per-hour.

You have probably seen the 10 second video. 22-year-old named Jared Michael Frank is standing in front (almost in front) of the train when you can hear a voice call out a warning and half a second later...WHAM! Boot to the head. As you can see in the video, the train's engineer thought the close-to-a-speeding-train picture was bad idea.

You might be wondering how getting kicked in the head at 30 miles-per-hour pays off. If you were guessing that the payday came from a lawsuit you would be wrong. It turns out the incident happened in Peru and Mr. Frank is Canadian. Liability laws don't translate well from Peruvian to Canadian.

Apparently media companies are in a rush to piggyback on the video and its 22 million YouTube views, and they're offering Frank thousands of dollars in advertising and licensing opportunities.

YouTube's official monthly figures haven't been totaled yet, but Frank could bank anywhere from $30,000 to $250,000.

"I'm a little worried, but I have a decent relationship with the licensing company, so I trust them," Frank said.

So what is the lesson? Slow and steady wins the race? Look before you leap? The better part of valor is caution? Or maybe put yourself in danger in the stupidest way possible AS LONG AS YOU RECORD IT and maybe, just maybe, you can make your fortune.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

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Questions? Comments? Email Lewis


*-- Ohio grandmother chooses to move rather than quit smoking --*
MILFORD, Ohio (UPI) - An 89-year-old Ohio grandmother has decided that she would rather give up her apartment than give up cigarettes. Beulah Toombs was given the opportunity to quit smoking when her apartment building in Milford went smoke-free a little more than a year ago. Toombs continued smoking in her unit at the AHEPA 127 Apartments and was labeled as "non-compliant." Management asked her to quit one more time -- Toombs declined. "I don't think so," she said in an interview with Cincinnati.com. "This is my home, and I think you can do whatever you want to in your home." Residents at AHEPA 127 are low-income seniors who pay discounted rent under the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development's Section 202. "My mom is getting older, and this is causing her so much stress," said daughter Mary Ann Burgoyne. "She kept telling me that she was paying her rent. She was a little confused. She thought
they might put her in a debtors prison." Burgoyne attempted to enlist a senior-advocacy group to help her mother, but was told this was "the future" and that Toombs should quit smoking. Toombs will be clearing out of the building in the next week or so.


*-- New Jersey man arrested for allegedly threatening deli workers with samurai sword --*
LOWER TOWNSHIP, N.J. (UPI) - A New Jersey man who walked into a deli in Lower Township and allegedly threatened workers with a samurai sword has been taken into custody. The incident started when Ryan Crump walked into American Deli with his sword and demanded that store employees give back his cellphone. "I thought we were going to get killed. He said he was going to slice all of us up," deli employee Lee DeBiase told NBC 40. "He told us he was going to jump across the counter and that we better find his cellphone fast." When the cellphone didn't appear, Crump brought out the sword. "He took it out like he thought he was a samurai master. He started pointing it at everybody and swinging it around. He came pretty close to our faces and everything," said American employee Mike Houseman. "I thought he was going to cut my face open with it." "Another inch or so, Mike wouldn't have an eye or a nose," added deli worker David Valley. Someone called 911 and Lower Township Police arrived on the scene. Crump was arrested and charged with three counts of aggravated assault, terrorist threats and other weapons offenses. Luckily no one was injured. "When you look down at the blade of a samurai, your whole life changes," DeBiase said.


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
Using a vagina for a mouth gives a whole new meaning to "Smacking Your Lips". -Annie

and I was wondering what her beard and moustache looked like, and if her breath smelled like tuna? hoppy Easter!
[You people really latch onto an idea, don't you?]

You would probably have to gargle with vinegar a couple times a month...
[Ok people, come on! There has been other material in the last two issue to comment on. Let's move on from the mouth-gina.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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Send comments and questions to: LEWIS