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Bizarre News - April 12, 2014
Greetings fellow Bizarros:In the millennia-long march of medical advancement there have been many great milestones; in the 1600s the germ theory slowly took hold, replacing the belief that diseases were caused by poisonous air, or devils, or small trolls living in peoples stomachs, anesthesia was introduced in 1841, the first artificial heart was patented in 1963, and now, in 2014, medical science has achieved the laboratory-grown vagina.
While this is certainly a bizarre story, it does have serious medical implications. Four women have had new vaginas grown in the laboratory and implanted by doctors, and in each woman's case their vagina did not form properly while they were still inside their mother's womb, a condition known as vaginal aplasia.
Doctors at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina used a tissue biopsy from the poorly developed vulvas to grow new, healthy vaginas in a bioreactor until they were suitable to be surgically implanted into the patients. I can imagine the doctor in a white smock, staring wide-eyed into the bioreactor and screaming, "It's alive! It's alive!"
Was it worth having a laboratory-grown Franken-gina surgically implanted between their legs? All women reported normal levels of "desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, satisfaction" and painless intercourse. "Truly I feel very fortunate because I have a normal life, completely normal," one of the patients said. So I guess it was.
Bizarrely,
Lewis P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click
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Email Lewis*-- California teen who sold pot brownies for prom dress cash now facing deportation --*YUBA CITY, Calif. (UPI) - A California teen was so determined to raise money for a prom dress that she enlisted the help of a minor to help her sell brownies that were laced with pot. Unfortunately for Saira Munoz, she got caught and was taken out of River Valley High School in handcuffs. In addition to being sentenced to four years probation for employing a minor to sell marijuana, the Yuba City teenager is now in danger of being deported back to Mexico. "People make mistakes," Carlos Robles, a friend of Munoz, told CBS Sacramento. "I was hurt, because she got arrested, and nobody wanted to see somebody we cared about go away. There's people that deserve to be deported, and she just wasn't one of them. There's people that do way worse." Munoz came to the United States with temporary permission in 2000, and immigration officials are still reviewing her case after being alerted by the Sutter County Probation Department. "It's too much trouble to deport somebody for that," student James Steerstold told Fox 40. "She should not be deported for making weed brownies. I know lots of students who do that," said student Dursimrim Kalar.
*-- Virginia jury orders man to pay $5,001 to former coworker for peeing in his coffee --*CULPEPER, Va. (UPI) - A Virginia jury has ordered a 53-year-old man to pay $5,001 to his former coworker after he admitted to putting something in his coffee -- and it wasn't cream and sugar. A jury in Culpeper County Circuit Court ordered James Carroll Butler to pay Michael Utz for spiking his coffee pot with pee in March 2009 while they were both working at the town's wastewater plant. The jury found that Butler, who had worked at the plant for 17 years before leaving in 2009, had "personal ill will and spite" towards Utz. When the tainted coffee pot was tested, lab results revealed that the strange brew contained urine and fecal material. The plant mechanic had been seeking $378,000 in compensatory damages and $350,000 in punitive damages. "I done something I am very much ashamed of to a co-worker for [reasons, which are] stress-related [and] things going on in my life on and off the job. I am very much ashamed of my stupid and childlike behavior," Butler wrote in a letter from March 2009. Utz's attorney, Michael Sharman, told the Star Exponent that his client is "really, really happy about the victory and he's glad it's done."
*-- READER COMMENTS --*Lewis; I have read that the communist manefsto calls for putting the fear of guns into the minds of children. It appears that it is working when a kid gets frightened by another kid twirling a pencil. Our beloved American freedoms are in big trouble when a school principal thinks its his duty to strip search a 7th grader for twirling a pencil. -Wes
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I thought The Communist Manifesto called for a progressive income tax, centralization of credit by means of a national bank and centralization of communication, transportation and education in the hands of the State. This story sounds more like some little punk who wanted to get one of his classmates in trouble and made up a story about him. Or communism.]
Lewis...After that incident at the St. Petersburg, Florida McDonald's, they've decided to add a new item to the menu; McTits! -BB
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That's the chicken breast sandwich.]
Concerning the boy who was twirling his pencil in a "gun like manner". He was then kidnapped, stripped naked, and given forced medical procedures without the consent of his parents. Isn't that what we do to terrorists? The teacher, principal, and all others involved should be arrested in their homes by SWAT teams at 2 in the morning and given the appropriate "perp walk" in front of all the TV stations while the news people shout the question, "Your accused of kidnapping and child molestation. Any comment?" Do this once or twice on national TV and this stupid stuff by teachers will stop. -Jim
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So you are advocating the suspension of the 4th (and possibly the 5th and 6th) amendment, but only under special circumstances. Sounds like Communism to me, Red Jim.]
I looked everywhere for that video of the nude lady in the McDonald's and couldn't find it. I would like to order a pair of McDonald double D's. Will they be on the menu?
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Did you try looking on the Internet? I found it in about 30 seconds. As a follow up: police found the woman, 41-year-old Sandra Suarez, and arrested her for criminal mischief and resisting an officer (surprise, surprise). Even more surprisingly Police say Suarez was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol.]
*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --****Missed an Issue? Visit the Bizarre News ArchivesWell, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: LEWIS