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Saturday, February 27, 2016

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Marijuana tampons are so last week. The new thing in female anatomical repurposing is the lady cocaine purse.

Customs officers in New York said a woman returning from a trip to Jamaica was concealing half a pound of cocaine in her vagina.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection said officers at John F. Kennedy International Airport questioned Shekira Thompson when she returned to the United States from a trip to Kingston, Jamaica.

CBP officers said Thompson "admitted to vaginally inserting a foreign body."

The egg-shaped object removed from Thompson's vagina turned out to be a bundle of about half a pound of cocaine with an estimated street value of $10,000.

"This seizure is just another example of our CBP officers being ever vigilant in protecting the United States from the distribution of these illicit drugs," said the director of CBP's New York Field Operations.

Thompson was turned over to the Port Authority Police Department and is facing state narcotics smuggling charges.


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*----------------------- China -----------------------*

In what must be every pet owner's worst nightmare, a Jiangsu man's dog was cooked and eaten by his own employee earlier this month. A factory worker in Xuzhou, surnamed Zhang, found a Welsh Corgi wandering around the public toilets at his workplace. Mistaking it for a stray, Zhang decided to make a meal out of it and proceeded to beat the animal to death with a stick. Later that night, Zhang and his roommates cooked the dog, and ate it the next day. They were then red-faced upon returning to work to discover "missing" flyers posted by their own boss, surnamed Wang, offering a 8,000 yuan reward for information.


*---- Man Kills Lover in Sexy Accidental Death ----*

A salesman who accidentally killed his lover while using a cucumber as a sex toy has gone on trial for negligent homicide in Germany. Oliver Dietmann, 46, could be jailed for five years for the bedroom death of his lover Rica Varna, also 46. The court in Mannheim heard the sordid details of the episode, which also featured a bunch of carrots and some courgettes. He told the court he and his lover 'often used vegetables' as a substitute for sex toys. He told the court how after the cucumber had served its purpose 'I put it it in her mouth. But suddenly I saw there was smoke coming from the kitchen. I forgot that I had put a piece of meat on the stove for my dog. 'I ran to the kitchen, fed my dog and then went on to the balcony to smoke a cigarette.' He said when he returned to the bedroom, Rica was unconscious. Medical experts later said that the cucumber got wedged in her throat, cut off her air supply and plunged her into a coma.


*-------- READER COMMENTS --------*

I wonder about how insecure a man has to be to get jealous when his wife is paying more attention to their child than him. That is really sad that he can't share his wife with her own child. -Chris
[That's what makes you sad? Not that he tried to shoot her?]

Shouldn't that cop also have been charged for mishandling his weapon?
[This was about the fifth such comment I received after publishing the last issue, so I really didn't feel it was necessary to reprint the other ones.]

I bet he was a lot later for work after being arrested for stealing that bus than he would have been if he just obeyed the law.
[You MUST be a cop. That is almost exactly what the last cop who gave me a speeding ticket told me.]


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