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Saturday, August 28, 2010
Greetings fellow Bizarros:
I'm not a young man. Plus, I have been married for a long
time! But I remember what it was like to be young, passionate
and impetuous. I would hate to admit how many decisions in
my life were made by 'little Lewis' 20 years ago and earlier.
But even back then I was never so "in the moment" that I
couldn't keep my pants on. Which is why I have a little
trouble understanding the motivation of the woman in today's
story.
It seems a 36-year-old Cincinnati woman was simultaneously
masturbating with a sex toy and watching a porno while
driving last week, according to cops who arrested her on
assorted criminal charges.
Colondra Hamilton was pulled over when cops noticed she was
driving a car with overly tinted windows.
That's when officers noticed that Hamilton's pants were un-
buttoned and she had a vibrator in her lap. After questioning
admitted that she had also been watching a porno that was
playing on a laptop in the passenger seat.
Now I have been thinking about this, and maybe she has a
small house full of kids that she can't get away from. Maybe
she lives with a roommate who's always home in a one bedroom
apartment. Maybe she just can't find any privacy at all
except in her car. But still, why WHILE driving?
The answer may come from the fact that Ms. Hamilton was
also charged with possession of drug paraphernalia. Because
everybody knows that nothing feels better after a few hits
than an orgasm.
Bizarrely,
Lewis
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+------------- Bizarre September Holidays ---------------+
September 1 is Emma M. Nutt Day
September 2 is National Beheading Day
September 3 is Skyscraper Day
September 4 is Newspaper Carrier Day
September 5 is Be Late For Something Day
September 6 is Fight Procrastination Day
September 7 is Neither Rain Nor Snow Day
September 8 is National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day
September 9 is Teddy Bear Day
September 10 is Swap Ideas Day
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--------- Italian priest seeks to fill funerals ---------
AREZZO, Italy - An Italian priest is pleading with church-
goers to help fill the pews at poorly attended funerals.
The Rev. Marcello Colcelli wrote to members of his Arezzo
church asking them to join his "Company of the Departed"
to fill seats at funerals that are often poorly attended
or even completely empty, ANSA reported. Colcelli wrote
he has encountered many services attended "only by a few
relatives and acquaintances," and sometimes he found him-
self alone with the deceased. "I often have to do every-
thing on my own: the readings, the rites, even the mourn-
ing," Colcetti wrote in the letter, which was printed in
the La Nazione daily. "I could carry on like this but I
ask myself: Where's the community?" The cleric said he was
drafting a document for possible members of the Company of
the Departed, including "an obligation (when possible) to
take part in funerals, guaranteeing a minimum funeral
service including readings, offerings and incense."
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-------- Own J.D. Salinger's toilet for $1 million --------
KERNERSVILLE, N.C. - A North Carolina collector is auction-
ing "The Catcher in the Rye" author J.D. Salinger's toilet
on eBay with an asking price of $1 million. Rick Kohl of
Kernersville-based webuytreasure.com said he might be open
to accepting a smaller sum for the commode, which was
taken from a New Hampshire home the notoriously reclusive
author moved out of in the mid-1980s, the Charlotte News &
Observer reported Thursday. "I bet it's worth $100,000,"
Kohl said. "Come on, it's J.D. Salinger's throne! We're
talking 'Catcher in the Rye' here!" The auction runs for
about 2 1/2 weeks.
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Lewis, that's nothing. Collectors in Watertown, WI tear open
garbage bags by hand to check for recylables. Any garbage
that falls out of the bag while they rifle through it gets
left in your yard. God forbid your kid toss a soda can in
the wrong bin, if they find it they'll leave everything on
the curb.
[I really have mixed feelings about this whole issue. I feel
recycling is very important and so few people are motivated
to do it. On the other hand, I hate having any government
agency with their nose that far into my personal life!]
SEVERAL years ago, Phoenix, or some city in the greater
Arizona-New Mexico area, started a similar program, where
the recyclables and trash were sorted by the customer; the
individual components were weighed, and the customer was
charged for the cost of the rubbish less the value of the
recyclables...don't know how that all turned out (I'd have
probably had lots of banana peels and coffee grounds in the
aluminum bin?.), but positive reinforcement usually works
better than punitive action.--DT
I remember the nieghborhood lady who carried a trash bag on
her daily walks. She collected cans to suppliment her income.
Now we pay for trucks, bins, tires, deisel and payroll to do
the same thing and she has lost her income. Government man-
dated curbside recycling programs always lose money every-
where they go. If recycling can't pay for itself do you
really believe it helps the environment? -John
[I remember when Illinois had a five cent refund on glass
bottles. You couldn't find a glass bottle on the street or
in an alley to save your life because there were roving
gangs of little kids who did nothing but wander around and
collect bottles for the change.]
Lewis you know that there is no tax on employer provided tax
benefits but like some scumbag traitor you continue the lie.
Someone needs to put paid to your career of lying to support
your otherwise unsupportable and anti_American political
agenda. -John
[You found me out! My plot to destabilize the government by
criticizing taxes is uncovered.]
Lewis, the fact that Scotty used the word "nubile" makes me
wonder about his surfing habits since the only place I have
ever seen the word "nubile" used is internet porn sites.
Wait a minute...did I just tell on myself? -Maygyver
The fact that the top 50 of wage earners pay 97 percent of
income tax is about right considering that the top 25
percent (the ones paying 86 percent) include the CEOs who
make roughly 500 times what their lowest paid employee
makes. If a person only makes $20K year, they can't possibly
pay as much as someone who makes $200k a year and a thousand
dollars make a much larger difference in the quality of
life to one than the other. If you want the right to earn
unlimited income you have to accept the responsibility of
paying unlimited taxes. -Amy Grashel
[By that logic, if I make a million dollars a year (which
I don't!) and I pay $300,000 for my 30 percent tax burden,
isn't it fair that somebody making forty thousand a year
pay their $12,000?]
------------------ END OF READER COMMENTS ------------------
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Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com
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